As I wrap up this month of thankfulness, I'm feeling a bit sentimental. Is that the right word for it? Nostalgic maybe? I don't know. I'm feeling very reflective like I want to look back at how things were, where we've gone, but instead of longing for the way things were, I want to sit in a place of thankfulness for the way things are.
It was about this time, two years ago, that our lives slowly began unraveling. The Hubs began experiencing some medical issues that, at the time, we were blowing off. There was always something else to blame the symptoms on. Too much work, not enough sleep, a stressful work environment, and on and on and on. By January, the wheels had fallen off the cart, and we were in deep.
I've already told most of the story last year, so I won't spend time there now. Instead, I want to work through the other stuff. The part after the wheels came off. The part where we started to catch our breath, surveyed the damage, and took steps forward. Yes, there were some steps back. There still are. This is a life long journey, no doubt, but it's the steps forward that I want to sit in.
As I spend the day (and if I'm honest, I've been reflecting on my thankfulness with this situation for a few weeks now) reflecting on what I'm thankful for, I am most thankful for this journey.
Listen, I'm not saying I want this to happen again. Like we had/are having a grand time. We didn't/aren't. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. However, there is beauty in the ashes, and life in the dust.
I'm thankful for a deepening in faith that I could never have reached without having to trust and follow God with each breath given to me. I suppose He would have lead me there eventually, but I got a crash course, and am thankful I didn't have to wait my whole life to know Him the way I know Him now.
I'm so thankful for His faithfulness and love I have experienced as He slowly picked me back up and put me back together again. I had read about it before, I had heard other people talk about how it had worked in there lives, but now I have experienced it.
While I spent a long time sad, and yes, angry, at the type of marriage that this illness had left me with, I'm now thankful. Is my marriage anything like what I imagined or even dare hoped it to be? No. It's better. It's stronger, more open, more honest, and more centered on Christ than I ever could have dreamed of. Which is funny. There were many times I thought we couldn't make it one more step, let alone a lifetime together. Now we share a bond. A bond I share with no other human being. While the bond may be ugly, He makes all things beautiful. He has used something that was meant for harm, and brought us goodness. (Gen 50:20). He has carefully and intentionally re-shaped our hearts for one another in a way that is much deeper and stronger than ever before.
And I can say the same thing for my kids, and their relationship with their father.
And while I'm talking about shaping hearts, I am also thankful for the way He has used this journey to soften our hearts and open our eyes to other people and opportunities we would have surely passed by, otherwise. I'm so thankful for those people and opportunities. They are forever imprinted upon my heart.
While this turn of events in our lives has proven to be more of a life long journey, instead of a slight interruption, I am now excited to see where God will be taking us. I'm so thankful that I can place all my trust in Him who makes ALL things work together for our good. (Rom 8:28)
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