When you come to this blog you will mostly find silly, sometimes cute, and sometimes gross stories of my kids. I love having this blog to document their lives...our lives together. This one is about me, though, because I am doing something new, and it is giving me a new perspective on life, mothering, and my Creator.
A few years back I heard of a non-profit organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep from one of my sisters. This organization is involved in helping out families that are suffering from losing their babies. These are parents that have had hopes and dreams demolished due to a loss of their brand new babies. They provide beautiful portraits of their babies that they will never bring home. They do this all for free because they believe it aids in the healing process.
"The soft, gentle heirloom photographs of these beautiful babies are an important part of the healing process. They allow families to honor and cherish their babies, and share the spirits of their lives."--nilmdts website.
When I first went to their website, I was so grief stricken I cried for a few days. My heart ached for these families. Being a mother myself, I knew the kind of emotion that surrounded having a child. I knew what it was like to wait nine months to meet someone, and fall instantly in love at first site for no other reason than they were here, in my arms, crying. I could not bear the thought of what it would be like if something were to be different in my situation. If something had gone wrong and I had to leave without what I had hoped for. It was back then that I decided I had to be involved with this organization.
After working on my portfolio for a few years, I finally had compiled enough work to submit. I was really scared. I was scared that I couldn't do this even though I knew I had to. I am not really a very strong person emotionally. I rarely let someone cry alone. I can't handle seeing someone in pain or in heart ache, and yes, I cry at some commercials. I also tend to go from just a few tears to full-on bawling within seconds. Shortly there after, you could find me in a heap on the floor, choking on my snot and tears, and barely able to catch my breath.
Clearly, I had a large obstacle to overcome in order to do this type of work.
Plus, there was the toll it would take on my family. They were the ones that were going to have to put up with me after I came home. They were the ones that would have to deal with me as I added more work to my already busy photography life. And it was them that would have to be able to switch plans on the fly if I needed to be at an unexpected tragedy. I struggled with this decision for a while after I completed my portfolio. I just wasn't sure.
Thankfully, I didn't struggle alone. The One That Knows Me Best was right there with me. It was His calling in the first place, but I was sure I wasn't strong enough. I didn't want to disobey, but it seemed impossible.
I'll never forget the time when I felt Him assuring me to go forth with the thought, "I've called you to serve me, but I didn't say it wasn't going to cost you anything." It felt like all I heard for a while from Bible studies, friends, songs on the radio, and just life in general was the idea that really good things can come from really difficult circumstances. I finally realized that I was going to do this, and I wasn't going to do it alone. If I was to do this it would be from the strength He would give me.
After helping two families, I can say that I have lived the verse, "I can do everything through Him who give me strength." -Philippians 4:13. I have also felt the verse "...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness..." -2 Corinthians 12:9 come to life in a way that I cannot put to words.
I am just beginning in this journey, and I cannot wait to see what God has waiting for me. Already, he has blown my socks off not only in providing me with the strength I need, but also through meeting the needs I didn't know I had, and helping me serve Him in ways I didn't even think about serving in. I can now pray for people, by name, who may have never had a prayer uttered for them otherwise. I've prayed for healing, comfort, and love for someone else during a time, when I thought previously, I wouldn't be able to function. Not only am I able to function, but am able to give compassion, love, prayer, and in the end I am able to give them a gift. A gift that I hope, in conjunction with their Father's love, will heal and give peace.
While running today, after having a session this past weekend, I heard a song on my iPod that helped me to better put words to how I feel about this. Besides being beyond grateful to see and feel God working in my life, I also am touched by these words by Jeremy Camp from "My Desire":
...And I know my heart is to feel You near
And I know my life
It's to do Your will
This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You
All my life I have seen
Where You've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all You've done
So I give my hands to use
This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You...
Words cannot express how much I believe that I am exactly where I need to be when I do this type of work. Please continue to pray for strength and guidance for me and if you are able to, please pray for these families who are in desperate need of comfort, love, and peace from a Father who knows just what it feels like to experience the loss of a child.
"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." --Galatians 6:2
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