It's About to get Personal

I have to admit, this post is mostly for my kids.

I hope one day they read this and are encouraged,  and feel their faith and love for the Lord deepen.

I recently finished up a Bible study on Isaiah.  It was by no accident that I was in this nine month intensive study.  Of course, I thought I had signed up because that's what I do.  I like to sign up for Bible studies, but this one was different.  At the end of the study we all got a chance to reflect on what we learned through the study.  Since the past six months have been some of the most difficult months of my life, I had a lot to reflect on.

I know that I have mentioned in a very vague way a few times that our family has been going through some suffering recently, but I have never put a real name on it.  While I feel like we are not completely out of the woods yet, I do feel like I am in a spot where at least my head is above water.

In December of last year, The Hubs became ill.  Pardon my continued vagueness, but I feel like I should be protective over some of these details.  He had shown some symptoms as early as November, but we kept blaming other things and sweeping symptoms under the rug.  By January it became clear that he might be in trouble, and by the end of January and into February, it was clear that he was very ill.  His very life was threatened, and our old way of life, doing things, of living was totally gone.  Each day was very scary, and was a major battle.  He could no longer work, and I spent tons of time caring for him, caring for our children alone, trying to keep our lives as normal as possible, and many, many hours on my knees.

The Lord walked each and every step of this journey with me, just like He has promised.  Some of the things I had to see and hear, my heart was not made to take.  I found out that I am not as strong as I would like to think I am, and that is exactly how I am supposed to be.  Weak.  Desperate.  In need.

All along the way, each and every step I took, God carried me.  Instead of feeling tired and useless because I wasn't feeling like I was coping well, I felt peace, comfort, and relief as I allowed God to carry me instead.

Here is some of the dialogue I would have with Him in those desperate times/days/weeks/months:

(Remember, I was studying Isaiah at the time, so that's why most of the dialogue come from there)

When I would tell him, “Everything is out of control.  Is this your plan? I think something has gone wrong.” He assures me “I am the Lord, the Lord God Almighty.”  “...Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will happen.” (Is 14:24)

But I insist, “I am scared.  I have no peace.  This doesn’t feel right.”  and He patiently responds, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because He trusts you.” (Is 26:3)

And when I continued to seek peace from advice, research, or tried to work harder at fixing things myself, He reminded me that it is He who “establishes peace for us, all that we accomplish he has done for us.” (Is 26:12).

“But Lord, I am so weary.  I don’t know how I am going to make it even one more hour.” He whispers back to me, “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Is 40:29-31)  “For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” (Is 41:13)

“For how long, Lord?  Will you always help me?”

“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” (Is 46:4)

“Lord, the uncertainty of all that lies ahead has me terrified.  I don’t know what to expect.” He comforts me with, “...do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Is 41:10) 

“But I feel like this is too much. I think I’m drowning.”

“...“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...” (Is 43:1-3).

“But, Lord, will we ever see healing?  Is it your will to leave us broken?”

“I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys.  I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs. I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive. I will set junipers in the wasteland,  the fir and the cypress together, so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the LORD has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it.” (Is 41:18-20) (These are the verses that I claim for The Hub's healing)

“But, Lord, nothing is working.  The Doctors don’t know what to do next.  The medication isn’t helping.” 

“See, I am doing a new thing! ... I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Is 43:19)

“When, Lord?”
“In the time of my favor I will answer you, and in the day of salvation I will help you; I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people, to restore the land...” (Is 49:8)

“Oh, I hope it comes soon.  I hope this test result will show what we need!  I hope this is the medication that will make things better. Oh, I hope we can get our family back to normal.”

“...Those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” (Is 49:23)

“Lord, I think we have done too much wrong.  We have strayed from you.  We’ve been angry and frustrated with you.”

“I have seen your ways, but I will heal you...”  (Is 57:18).  “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” (Is 54:10)

“He’s not the same on all of his medication.  Lord, I miss my husband.”

“For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.”

“Lord, I need to know what to expect.  What will tomorrow hold for us?  Will he be better next month? Will he ever work again?”

“Remember the things I have done in the past.  For I alone am God! I am God, and there is none like me. Only I can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish.” (Is 46:9-10).

“But, Lord, why? What is this all for?”

“Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,  I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with sapphires. I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones.” (Is 54:11)

“This life is too hard.  I need hope.”

 “See, I will create new heavens and a new earth.  The former things will not be remembered,  nor will they come to mind...the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more...for they will be a people blessed by the LORD, they and their descendants with them.  Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.” (Is 65:17, 19, 23-24)

So I have hope.  Hope in the destruction he has allowed because He is in control.  He will bring peace, and I will not walk it alone.  He will bring healing in His time and for His glory, we are not forgotten, and He will restore us with a sure foundation, as beautiful as it is strong.  And when this life gets hard, and I find I am uncomfortable here, He promises that this isn’t the end.  I will have a new life, where the troubles of this life will long be forgotten, and there will be tears no more.

My Sweet Babies,
I know that circumstances of these past six months have been hard on your hearts and difficult to understand.  Life is hard.  It wasn't made to be fair.  It wasn't made to be easy.  Please know that when you find yourselves in over your head, you are not alone.  You are never alone.  When it seems like no one understands, or when friends have proven they can't understand or deal with all you are going through, you have The Lord.  He knows, He's sees and He cares.  He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Keep relying on Him and He will sustain and meet your every need.  Open His Word, get on your knees, and get ready to be carried through the fire.  He loves you so much!