Meanwhile, In Their Professional Careers...

Both kids have been getting pretty involved in extra curricular activities this year.  I know I've mentioned a few times the time demands that these activities have cost us.  For me, it's easy to become frustrated when my "idea" of what a good time looks like, becomes disrupted.   I've made it no secret that I'm a big fan of lounging around the house, with my people close by, enjoying good food in comfortable clothing.  While my kids also enjoy these activities, they also like to do other things too.  Darn.  Actually, I'm thrilled that they are forming new interests.  I just wish there was adequate time in the day to do both really well. 

At first, it was hard for me to adjust to this new life of busy activity schedules.  I may have grumbled a few times *ahem*.  But when you get to see the end product, it makes it all worth it.  I've really been learning that we aren't made to be idle (unless in a season of rest, of course), but to do good works.  My kids have been doing just that in their activities.  God has given them a small section of the world to be salt and light in, and staying at home each night being comfortable, is like keeping the salt in the salt shaker, and the light under a bowl. 

I'm working on this. I'm learning...maybe slowly? I'm growing, thankfully.  I'm thankful to see Him work through my kids.

First, The Girl.  She was recently Gaston in a shortened version of Beauty and the Beast.  At first, she was very reluctant to be a boy, when clearly, she would have been a perfect fit for Beauty (HA!).  However, after a short chat about developing your craft, growing and learning, and stepping outside of your comfort zone (maybe I was just talking to myself), she came around, and really gave it all she had.  The result, was the best performance I have seen from her yet! 

 

That last picture?  It's my favorite.  My girl is getting a "Tommy Award".  Not for her performance, but for the way she helped others, was committed to learning, helped out when needed, and was an example of responsibility and respect.  

I think my heart expanded out of my chest in that moment.  My girl.  Salt and light in her small corner of the world.

Next, The Little Man.  As you can tell from his "Thankfuls" he's got a one-track mind for basketball these days.  He was asked by some friends at school to join a basketball team at the rec center in our community.  Usually, we only play basketball for one season through Upward sports.  We have thoroughly enjoyed this organization not just because of friends we get to play with, but also for the Christ-like characteristics that they instill and acknowledge even before the child's basketball skills (or lack thereof).  So, the rec team with school friends was new to us, but exciting.  It was also one. more. thing. to add to the list of things to get done during the week and weekend, but we thought the importance of continuing to build friendships outside of the classroom with his classmates was important.  

When he came home from the first practice a bit miffed, I was a little concerned.  He was upset that there seemed to be a bunch of "ball hogs" and no one played together well.  Knowing the first day of practice with a new team can be a bit challenging, I encouraged him to keep with it, and try to do what he knows how to do, and maybe the others will catch on in time.  Now, my boy is NOT the best player on the team, but I have loved watching him play.  I have seen him a few times pass the ball off to someone else when the shot was clearly his.  Instead of taking an easy shot and running up his points, he passes the ball off.  Soon after, others started doing the same.  It may have been a coincidence in timing with what the coach was teaching as well, but I love watching him think of others before himself.  He may not be the most aggressive player on the team (someone said, "Once that boy gets a bit more aggressive, he'll be an awesome player."), but he values others feelings above the things that the world values.  I like him like that.  Salt and light.  In his small corner of the world.

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."--Jesus, Matthew 5:13-16

It's Getting Hard to Breathe

"Is it just me, or do you feel like you have an elephant sitting on your chest?" I asked The Hubs, and for once, I was only being slightly dramatic.  I know I've mentioned it a few times, but since school has started for the kids this year, my life has felt a bit chaotic.  We have entered into a new season of life, and I'm feeling stretched way out of my comfort zone.   In fact, I feel like my comfort zone is in an entirely different zip code right now.  The Hubs is affectionately calling this season a "transition period".  That's not dramatic enough for me.  I'm trying hard not to curl up into a ball and refuse to come out until someone promises me a solid week of lounging on the couch in front of the TV.  And just when I thought I couldn't be stretched any farther, or distance myself more from my comfort zone, we are facing another transition. 

Recently, we received news that a house we had put an offer on over the summer, was now very interested in our offer.  They wanted to know if we would like our offer to be considered again.  Um.  We made that offer over the summer because selling a home, moving into a home, and remodeling a home (which this particular home will need) sounds like something that may take a little time.  This past summer, we had time.  Now? Notsomuch.   Oh, and what's that? It's the holiday season, you say?  Well, that just makes things so much more interesting, doesn't it?  Thank you, but I think we'll pass.  

Then we began praying about it.   And talking about it.  And we were up in the middle of the night praying and thinking about it.  You know what I'm hearing?  Sometimes trying to do what's easiest, what makes the most sense, isn't always where Peace is.  Peace is found in one place.   Actually, to be more specific, I'm hearing "Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways, and He will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6


So, long story short, we threw a low ball offer (thinking they'd refuse it), expected that the process would take 30-90 days (giving us time to catch our breath),  and hoped something would snag (and we wouldn't have to enter into more chaos).  However, what's actually happened is: They accepted our offer, the bank approved in five days, and they would like us to close in three weeks.  

Deep breath.  

As I lay awake at night asking God if this is really what He is calling us to, there have been many things He's brought to my attention.  First, I'm struggling with leaving this house, as opposed to just moving, more than I think I am.  He's challenging me to really look at why I am holding onto things of this world too tightly.   Yuck.  You know what else I hold onto too tightly? Comfort, ease, and doing things my way (you know, control).  Double yuck.  Guess what? I thought I had worked through all those things three years ago.

When The Hubs first got sick in 2011, I had no control, nothing was easy, and my comfort zone was G-O-N-E, gone.   He's been reminding me of those days to reassure me. While we still struggle with health issues, one thing I have learned is that not one day has been walked alone.  Not one victory has been won in our strength, but with His power in us.   He's been so faithful.  

In comparison, these current struggles, while overwhelming at times, are what The Hubs calls "a cake-walk".  Hmmm. Not sure I would go that far, but The Hubs is right.  Why would I doubt that God would not be my strength, comfort, and peace when that's always been who He is.  He's brought us this far, there's no need to fear that He would leave us now.  

What I'm learning in this current season is that I need God each and every moment of each and every day.  With some exciting but overwhelming circumstances, He has put me in a place where everyday I must surrender my own strength and will for His.  While I might feel like my chest is tightening and it's getting hard to breathe, walking so closely to Him is not such a bad place to be.  

Not bad at all.





 

Still Truckin' Along

I never thought time could move any faster than it already did.  Apparently, when you add a job to the mix, time really picks up the pace.  How in the world did we already hit the first day of Fall?  We are three quarters of the way through September!  The kids' teachers are already talking about getting signed up for the first Parent/Teacher conferences.  Have they even had enough time to get to know my kids?  I feel like the first day was just yesterday!

In other news, I am LOVING my job.  It is the perfect fit for me in the time department, it just right challenge wise, teaching only science has made my days teaching so much fun, and I'm finding it's a perfect balance for me as far as being a mom, wife,  and teacher.  So in summary: I'm praising God for His provision and goodness to me.

The Girl got a part in a local production of Beauty and the Beast.  She will be playing Gaston, which we are still laughing about over a week later.  My quiet, girly, peace keeping,  people pleasing girl will be playing a loud, boisterous, arrogant, bossy, mean-spirited, MAN.   We've decided this is a great time to learn about how to stretch ourselves.  It's not called acting for nothing!

The Little Man is getting ready to run his first cross country race this weekend.  He was training for the mile, but came home from practice this week and announced he signed up for the mile and a half race.  Well.  Okay.  It should be interesting.  He does love to run, though.  I love that!

The Hubs and I have been moving forward with our plans for a new future business.  I became a CEO this week, we got our tax stuff set up, and we bought our first property.  I'm keeping the details a bit sparse on purpose.  First, I would like to see some things develop before getting too attached, and also, I'm not sure exactly of all the details, the vision, etc. I'm sure you're thinking, "Well, that's kind of irresponsible!", as I'm sure it sounds that way.  The truth is, from the inception of the idea to where we are now, there have been some twists and turns.  The final idea and goal has remained somewhat the same, but getting there has been interesting.  So, instead of firmly planting our stakes into the ground, I'm trying to be very flexible and let God lead this where He would like it to go.  James 4:13-16 is rolling around in my head as I type this.  "¹³ Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil." (NIV)

It's a very busy season in life.  I'm sure I'll look back at these days with thankfulness and fondness.  I can't wait to see what we harvest!

Catching Our Breath

What can I say?  There has been tons going on in the Wright household.  All of a sudden, we went from Summertime, to the beginning of the school year, and on through the first week of September.  The official end of summer, Labor Day, has come and gone.  I can barely type this, but some of the trees have leaves that are attempting to change color.  I think that is premature if you ask me, but there's always going to be those "Fall Fanatic" types.  You know, people who start talking about sweaters, everything pumpkin, and chilly weather as soon as the calendar flips from August to September.  I guess even the tree world has some of those.  I know you know where I stand on that. 

*Ahem*

First up,  the big news around here: I got a part time job!  I know.  Crazy doesn't really cover it adequately.   I have been substitute teaching for the past two years, and slowly God was preparing my heart to get back into my own classroom.  About two weeks ago, a friend of mine called up and told me about a part-time position at the school she teaches at.  While I had been looking for a part-time teaching job, teaching at a school outside of my own children's school, seemed out of the question.  Transportation was the big concern, with a side of dismissal time conflicts.  I was super bummed out because I really felt like God was asking me to get back into the classroom again, He had completely changed my heart towards teaching again (I had swore never to return to the elementary classroom), but I couldn't figure out a way to make it work.  Turns out, I didn't have to figure anything out.  I just had to wait on Him.  He provided the perfect job with the perfect hours.  I am now teaching a third/fourth grade combined science class.  I love the age, the curriculum, and the subject.  I love that I am home to take my kids to school and pick them up, that I can plan and grade while they are at school, (meaning I'm available to them while they are home) and I love that I'm teaching one subject only.  Something I learned about myself when I taught a year at the high school level, was I appreciated a less diverse day.  The kids provide plenty of diversity for me.   Having a solid, unrivaled focus in regards to the teaching material, lets me connect with the kids in a way that works better for me.  I'm very thankful, and at awe at the way my Shepherd always leads me in the direction that is in my best interest.

Also, we had the pleasure of replacing our dishwasher.  Our stove also went out this summer, so it looks like we might be at the end of our appliances' lives.  We all know that these things happen, but since we have been considering a move, it makes the decision on what to replace the appliance with a little more difficult.  We don't want to spend more money than we have to if we aren't going to stay.  However, since we change our minds about moving about every other day, I also want to get something that we like. 

At the same time I was getting used to my new life as a part-time teacher (Which by the way I only had three days to get used to.  Yes. Three.), The Little Man got sick for four days.  Yes.  School is back in session and so are the days of colds and other gross things.  This particular illness kept both of us up through out the entire night for two nights in those four days.  Just when he thought he was doing better, he'd go down again for another round.  It was rough. 

Also, nothing says, "Welcome back to school!" better than a little Girl Bullying.  Awesome.  This was one of those times that I was so thankful for The Hubs.  I mean I lost all rational thinking for a small amount of time and went straight into emotional decision making mode.  I love it when I do that.  Thankfully, The Hubs stepped in and snapped me back into reality, and we were able to meet up with principals and counselors and get things situated without too much damage.  Prayerfully.  

So as I plan science experiments, sign off on homework assignments (my kids as well as my students), shuttle kids back and forth between activities, listen carefully about all sorts of recess antics, and stick to a strict bedtime routine, I think I can officially say our long, lazy, summer days are but a small speck in the rear view mirror. 

Derailed Plans

I had a plan.  It seemed pretty solid, logical, and I even felt as though I had received several confirmations through other people/events, prayer, the Word, and peace in my heart.  I mean things just kept falling into place where I thought for sure they wouldn't.  Doors seemed to fly right open with barely a knock. 

The funny thing was, this plan, it was totally not me.  Like if you were to have told me only a few years ago about this plan that I had, I would have laughed and said no way.  I may have even gotten a little angry because of how staunchly against some of the ideas of this plan I was.  But that's what was making things so exciting!  I couldn't believe God would change my heart in such a way that I was now embracing something that I would have rejected years earlier.

All summer I embraced this plan.  I got ready for how this new plan would impact our family as well as myself.  I was getting excited for everything to come together and to be able share an awesome story about how God had brought me to this new place in my life.  I may have even written a blog post in my head about it.  Maybe.

Then, out of no where, the plan became completely derailed.  I mean, the door wasn't just shut, it was slammed.  Hard.  In my face.  My fingers even got caught.  I was totally caught off guard and crushed.  Even worse, I was embarrassed.  I hate it when you can't tell if you are crying because you hurt or because you are embarrassed you got hurt in the first place.   Crying over embarrassment takes so much longer to get over.

So here I am, a few weeks later, blue bruises have turned that funny yellowish green, and I feel like I'm on track for a full recovery.   I won't lie and say that I've sat quietly and waited to heal.  No, there were some ugly moments for sure.  I had some tough spots in my heart that I had to work out.  Anger, defensiveness, self-pity, and revenge just to name a few.  The thing was, my train was derailed by someone else, purposefully.

I sat before the Lord (and continue to do so as my wounds are still scabby as we speak) and asked Him, "What in the world was THAT?"  I couldn't understand what I did to deserve what happened.  I didn't understand why it had to go down the way it did, so painfully.  I was certain, I was following exactly where the Lord was leading me, each step in faith and obedience.  So why this painful derailment?

In the days that followed He was gentle to show me a few things.  First, His plans will never be thwarted.   Ever.  They are always for my best, and better than anything I could ever hope or even pray for.  There are just some things that I can't and won't understand until later.  Maybe not even on this side of eternity.  He never says "No" out of a mean spirit.  He can't be mean.  He is good.   He does good things.  It's impossible for anything bad to come from Him. 

He also gently reminded me of Abraham marching his only son, Issac, up the mountain to sacrifice him.  God had told him to do that.  He gave specific directions, and made a way for it to happen.  But!  Then at the very last moment, God changed the plan on Abraham.  (Not to be confused with God changing His mind, God knew all along that this was how it would go.)   Right before the blade touched Issac's skin, an angel of the Lord calls out to him and tells him to stop.  Imagine if Abraham just continued to march forward saying, "No, God!  This isn't the directions you first gave me.  You gave me clear instructions and even changed my heart to agree with you, so I'm moving forward."  That would've been crazy, right?  Probably about as crazy as it would have been for me to force my way back into a plan that was so decisively changed.

But why the hurt?  Couldn't the doors closed a little more gently, and maybe without my fingers in them?  I mean, I felt like I was obediently walking in faith, which, by-the-way, isn't something I'm very good at.  Then, I read about Joseph, Mary, and their newest addition to the family, Jesus.  Mary and Joseph were certainly obedient to God when, by faith, they accepted that Mary would conceive as a virgin.   And Joseph? He married her because he trusted what the angel of the Lord told him about who this baby was and how he was conceived.  He didn't waiver once he had clear instructions.  Yet, here this young couple was, delivering their child in a feed trough, and on the run under threat that the king was out to kill their child.  Not once, but twice!  I can't imagine how difficult that would have been.  Painful at times, I'm sure.  However, each painful experience led to the fulfillment of ancient prophesy, which spoke of God's perfect plan. 

A plan that would not be thwarted. 

There are days when I still feel like I am licking my wounds.  I'm not sure when they will heal completely, but I'm sure that they will.  I know that God has a perfect plan for my life, and it will not be thwarted.  Even the painful stuff, while not fun, has a purpose.  In the end, I trust I will look back at my life and say, "I wouldn't have done it any other way.  Your way was the best."  I trust that this time is growing and equipping me for something farther down the line.  So, I will continue to pray, not only to be comforted and healed, but to grow and be ready for His sovereign plan.  Whatever it may be.

Still Whining About an Ear Infection

"To stay upbeat about life, accept that you won’t be perfect all the time, and neither will the people or things around you."- Joyce Myers Ministries

I needed this encouragement this morning as I battle with a still raging ear infection, antibiotics that didn't work the entire weekend I took them (except to give me the wonderful gastrointestinal side effects), and a summer that feels like it is slipping through my fingers as I lay in bed for another day.  

He has been faithful by my side through this morning.  As I feel frustrated, He encourages me, comforts me, and reminds me of His perfection in all things, times, and circumstances.

Lord, help me to find rest in this time.  Sitting still long enough to heal physically and be renewed spiritually.  Forgive me for impatience, a constant need to rush and do, and for finding joy in circumstances instead of you.  Amen.

He Waits There

For the past two years, I have been part of a ministry that reaches out to incarcerated youth in my area.  Once a month, I get to have a chance to sit in a small group of girls who are serving time.  In that hour I listen to them, I pray with them, I share the Word with them, and, hopefully, encourage them.  I hear hard stories, get hard questions, and deal with hard emotions.  It's never easy there, but it's always beautiful.  I've gotten to witness first hand the softening of hearts, forgiveness, reconciliation, and even salvation.  Works that can only be done by The Almighty. 

Last night we looked at the parable of the talents in Matthew.  In this parable Jesus was teaching about three servants who were all given money by their master.  Each one of them was expected to keep the money until the master's return, upon which the master would be asking for it back.   Two of the servants took the money given to them, invested it, and doubled the amount.  One servant, out of fear, took the money, buried it in a hole, and then waited for his master to return.  When the master returned he was elated with the news that two of his servants doubled his money while he was away.  However, when the third servant announced that he had done nothing with the money entrusted to him, and returned the original amount, the master was furious with him.  He took the amount entrusted to the third servant, gave it to the first servant, and threw the third servant out of his house declaring "If you knew I was after the best, why did you do less than the least?" (Matthew 25:26)

As the girls and I sat and discussed this parable, told thousands of years ago, and what it could possibly mean for their lives now, here in 2013, I could see one of the girls go deep into thought.  She sat and remained silent for a while.  Fearing I had lost her attention somehow, I asked her if she had any thoughts to what the parable was teaching her.  She responded with this:

"I think that God gives us all these opportunities, and He expects us to use each opportunity wisely while we are here.  When we waste opportunities, abilities, or the things He has given us, it makes Him sad."

She paused, staring off into nowhere, just long enough for us to notice a break in her words, but not long enough for me to ask another question, or elaborate on what she had said. 

She continued with, "I've been wasting my time before coming here.  I think I've been given many chances to do wonderful things, but I chose not to.  My mom and my grandma have been trying to encourage me in who God is and the plans he has for me, but I ignore them.  So I think He brought me here so I would have to sit still long enough, and away from all the distractions, to find Him.  I've noticed since being here, that a lot of people have been asking me to pray for them.  If I wasn't here, I wouldn't even consider it.  Now that I am, I do.  I didn't get to be released when they said I would be.  I was very disappointed, but now I think that I needed to be here to continue to know Him more."

More silence.

"I don't want my time here to be a waste.  I'm tired of wasting my time outside of here too."

And like that, I once again got to see Jesus meet someone face to face.  In jail.

Isn't it just like Jesus to wait for someone there?  A King who came to this earth not to be served but to serve.  A King born to an ordinary woman in a feed trough.  Not in a palace, not to royalty, and not with any sort of special ceremony.  A King who spent his time not with the most important people, but with the most unnoticed people.  People who were sick and dying, people who were outcasts, people who were criminals.  A King who came to be with the "least of these". 

When I think about Jesus, who He loves, and how He serves, it makes sense to me that He'd wait for this girl there.  In jail.  That terrible, cold place.  That place full of people who are outcasts, who society frowns down upon or even purposely looks away from.  A jail where few acknowledge  (or know) who He really is and how loved they are by Him.  When I really think about who Christ is and what He came to do, it makes perfect sense that He wouldn't hesitate for a second to sit and wait for people there.  No one is too lost for Him to love and no one too low for Him to serve.

These things that God has allowed me to see and be a part of, thrill me to no end.  They deepen my roots of faith, and they make me fall deeper and deeper in love with Him.  Him, who chooses to go to the ugly places, the most hurtful times, and patiently wait there.  A King.  In those places?  My heart could burst.

^" Later when Jesus was eating supper at Matthew’s house with his close followers, a lot of disreputable characters came and joined them. When the Pharisees saw him keeping this kind of company, they had a fit, and lit into Jesus’ followers. “What kind of example is this from your Teacher, acting cozy with crooks and riffraff?”
^" Jesus, overhearing, shot back, “Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? Go figure out what this Scripture means: ‘I’m after mercy, not religion.’ I’m here to invite outsiders, not coddle insiders.”--Matthew 9:10-13 The Message

A Season of Change

As we have been walking a fairly bumpy road in life, not knowing where we are headed or what's in-store, we are starting to see a bend up ahead.  A new direction.  It may still be bumpy, dark, and the view bad, but there's something ahead, for sure.

I get set in my ways, and stubborn at times.  I think I won't ever do something, or how could I possibly not do that?  Then, something happens.  A change of heart.  And a change of direction.  Recently, we (The Hubs and I) have been both experiencing some heart changes.  Things that seemed impossible, are suddenly showing themselves to be not so far out of reach.  Other stuff, stuff that we never would want to happen, doesn't sound like such a bad idea after all.  It's confusing.  It's weird.  It's exciting.

Since the changes that are happening are so far out of the norm for us, and we are both on the same page with one another (hello! how often does that happen?), we are feeling excited that it is God who is actively changing our hearts and desires, and putting His plans in motion.  The plans He has had since the beginning of time.

My comfort zone is being encroached upon, and in this discomfort, I doubt.  "Is that really, You I'm hearing?"  "Why do I all of a sudden feel so desperate for this?"  "Is this my desire or Yours?"

It's so tempting for me to respond, "Lord, whatever your will is, I'll do it.  I just need a big flashing billboard to lead the way.  Without it, I don't know where to go, and in fear, I might just stand still."

Unfortunately, faith doesn't work that way.  Faith moves without knowing the direction.  Faith goes not because of a big billboard, but because He asks you to go.  Faith doesn't know the end before it begins.  And, as He would have it, this year I'm working out my faith muscles.

There's no big announcement in this entry, just sharing that "times, they are a changin'!"  Not sure where this road is going, but there is a bend.  Or a fork.  I don't know which.  Here are two songs that are so encouraging to me right now:

Sidewalk Prophets, Help Me Find It:

I don’t know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

I don’t know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I’m done fighting
I’m finally letting go

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You

[Chorus:]
If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You

[Chorus]

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need

[Chorus]

The other one is Jason Gray, Nothing is Wasted:

The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope's a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow

And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted


From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine  

These two songs encourage me that He will lead me where He wants, and never leave me alone.  That I can trust Him, wait on Him, and move with Him.  That I don't need to fear that a move I make might be wrong, because with Him, nothing is wasted.  I don't have to fret that my past might keep me from something my future may hold for me, because He uses everything for my good.  That what we are going through right now, and for the last two years, is preparing and equipping us for His plan.  His good and perfect plan.   

As we round the bend, or choose a new direction, I will continue to cling to Him and His promises.  I will pray that I will not give into the temptation of fear, but instead trust, and walk in faith.


 

One Step Forward

It's 1999. I'm in my early 20's, and I'm finishing up my first year of teaching my own class. And if I'm honest, I'm somehow trying to meld my need to dress grunge with a more professional look.  As you might guess, I'm failing miserably. I taught a group of third graders who hated me.  I'm serious. On my very first day, one parent pulled me aside and confidently told me with a hushed yet firm tone, "I can tell you right now, you and I are not going to get along. " She wanted to make sure there was not going to be any confusion. And there wasn't. The. Whole. Year. 

I counted down the days until that school year was over. I vowed never to return to that school district, and I doubted I would ever return to the classroom.  Well not a classroom with small children, who had hateful parents, anyway.

It's 2001. The month previous we all watched in horror as terrorists attacked our country. A month later I sat in my supervisors office, and learned that I was being laid off. Companies no longer had the money to use our services, which trained adults in computer application programs. I had returned to the classroom, but I was teaching adults. My love for teaching, reignited.  As the economy started a downward spiral, I was left without a job, but with the desire to teach again. However, I was still determined to not teach young children.

It's 2002.   The school year had come to an end, and I never counted down to the last day, not even once. I really enjoyed working with these high school kids. They were eager to learn the elective courses they had chosen in technology and design.  The lessons were fun, the days went quickly and I really liked my job.

And then I found out I was expecting The Girl.  That changed everything.

After she was born, I decided I was going to be 100 percent dedicated to being a mom. I had decided that to go back to the classroom again would be too difficult. That I could not be 100 percent mom and 100 percent teacher.  I never have been good with sharing my devotion. Call it an inability to multitask, if you will. So with my heart focused on family, my desire to teach again expired, along with my teaching license.

It's 2011. Both of my kids are in school. The Little Man is a kindergartner and The Girl is a third grader. Suddenly, I have a bit more time on my hands, and The Hubs's recent illness has opened my eyes to the fact that I may need to return to the workforce after a nine year absence. After years of saying I would never teach again, suddenly I have the desire to teach again. As a substitute teacher, no less. I didn't want the responsibility of my own class again. I wanted flexibility. I wanted to not commit myself to a classroom full of young children again. It worked out pretty well.  And that really freaked me out.

In a good way.

It's 2013. I've come to enjoy being in the classroom again. Even when it's with small children...and their parents. I still feel pretty confident that I do not want my own classroom. The kids' school has these positions called "Reading Tutors". This job allows the tutor to teach reading to small groups of children. You don't have your own class. No parents, no report cards, no grading. Just teaching. It sounds pretty perfect to me. I've been watching for these jobs to post, thinking if one does, and the timing seems right, then I'll apply. I'm still waiting. In the meantime, a part-time Kindergarten position opens up.  Somehow, I'm drawn to it. After a week of praying about it, all the things that I never wanted to return to again, seem pretty manageable. After enough time has passed for me to completely forget that this job exists, I can't stop thinking about it. So, today I applied.

What. Have. I. Done?

I realize that by applying for this job does not mean I will get this job. Actually, I am very aware of how unqualified I am for this position. But as I try to flex my faith muscles more this year, I can't deny that a desire and opportunity have been placed before me. So I took the first step. I don't know where it will lead, but I trust that God will not let this step go wasted.  He has something to show me, no matter how this turns out. So, I hold this opportunity with open hands.  No tight grip on either outcome.

I have no doubt that He has been at work in my heart, and he is shaping my desires for my life to match His. No matter how different they were before now. Because He is good. Because He loves me. Because He knows the plans He has for me. Instead of forcing His ways upon me, He gently changes my heart to match His. And then He presents opportunities and open doors.  It's my choice to move forward or to stay behind.

Today, I stepped forward.

A Peaceful Heart

Recently, The Little Man made it as a finalist for the first grade spelling bee. (I assure you, he did not get the spelling gene from me).  He was pretty proud of himself, as he should be.  As of right now, he is tied for first place in his class.  We are eagerly awaiting the day he competes against the two other first grade classes in his school. 

Last night, as we did our devotional, we learned about how much God cares about the things that keep us anxious or make us nervous.  We recited the Philippians verse about not worrying about anything, but instead we can bring all things to God.  We also thought about the goodness of God who allows us to cast our cares upon him because he cares for us.    After that, we decided to come up with some things that have been bothering us, and together bring them before God.  After The Girl shared her anxious thoughts, The Little Man just looked puzzled. 

p: I just don't have anything that I am worried about!
me: Really? Nothing is upsetting you?
p: No!  I mean its all really fun and cool.
me: Wow.  What about the upcoming Spelling Bee?  Are you nervous about that?
p: No.  I mean I'll just do the best I can.  That's all I can do anyway, right?

And so we praised God for the peace that fills that sweet boy's heart.

It's Not Easier, Just Different

This parenting gig, is no joke.  It's demanding, fulfilling, difficult, joyous, exhausting,  down right painful, and then some all wrapped up in one.  As the kids have grown, I started noticing (fairly early on) that it never got easier.  It's not like some other jobs where the job becomes second nature because you master it.  You never master parenting.  Never.  Ever.  What works one time, will most certainly not work a second time.  And if you are a parent of more than one child, forget completely what worked for the first child.  You must start from scratch with each child.  Come to find out: We are all unique individuals .   Crazy.

Recently, we have been dealing with some issues with The Girl.  It's heart wrenching to say the least.  There have been tears,  many late night talks, lots and lots of prayers, and even loss of sleep.  The thing is, when they venture out of the house and into the world of school, friends/peers, and teachers there is so little that I control anymore.  Like I was really all that in-control before. 

The other day, I had someone over at the house.  She was visibly exhausted, and understandably so.  She is the mom of a three year old and a one year old.  So hard.  As she chased her little girl up and down my stairs about seventy billion times, she looked at me and said, "It must feel so good to be in an easier stage of parenting.  It does get easier, doesn't it?"  While it seems like almost a life time ago, I remembered. 

I remembered how physically tired you get.  How you constantly wonder if you are doing it right.  Does my child even understand the English language enough to comprehend that I've asked them 281 times not to poke the dog in the eye?  Do time outs even work?  Why is suggesting a nap the equivalent to asking for their right arm to be chopped of?  Exhausting, lonely, and frustrating.

Those were hard days, no doubt.  However, I don't think it ever got easier.  I also don't think that it has gotten any harder.   It just gets different.  There is no mastery.  As soon as you successfully leap over the hurdle of keeping them from thinking it's time to play tag every time you're in a busy parking lot, they move on to something else.  Something that is just as dangerous and/or annoying.  There is no getting easier.  It's just different.

I'm learning that I'll never master this "parenting gig" that I've been placed in.  While the days of time-outs, arguing over naps, and potty training are behind me, today I face issues of the heart.  Friendship, self-identity/esteem issues, forgiveness, and handling every emotion under the sun.  I look ahead and see friends dealing with opposite sex relationships/heartbreaks, dealing with more and more freedom, and making decisions for colleges or jobs.  It's all so very difficult, exhausting, and emotional.

As I've turned to God for His wisdom in my parenting, I'm also learning that I can turn to Him for his comfort.  Not only does He guide the way I make decisions in how to address the issues we are facing now, He comforts me as I hurt over their hurts.  He assures me with His love for me, and the truth that He loves them more than I could ever love them.  Ultimately, it is He that is holding them.  And as things get tricky, or down right painful, He reminds me that nothing is wasted.  While sometimes I feel silly that my problems seem so small compared to what others may be dealing with, He reminds me that He has seen all of it, He is in control, and He cares. 


Father God, thank you for knowing what it's like to be a parent.  You are the ultimate parent, perfect in all of your ways.  You know what is good for us, and you lead us in those directions.  When things get difficult, you are not only my helper and guide, but my comforter.  Thank you for showing me, these last few weeks,  how you never leave my side, how you see each one of my hurts, as well as when my kids hurt, that nothing is too small or too big for you, and that you care.  Thank you for letting nothing go wasted.  You are training me too, as I train them.  Thank you.  In your loving name, Amen

Love Wins

As I walked into the room, there were eight of them.  Girls? No, they are too old to be referred to as girls.  Women?  No way.  Too young.  Young ladies? I don't know.  That doesn't seem to fit either.  It's certainly not what society would call them.  Young ladies carries the connotation that these girls are proper, well behaved, clean cut, gentle spirited, maybe even refined.  I'm not sure I'd use even one of those words to describe these eight, but it's hard to tell in here.  This place where they all wear orange.  This place where they must act infinitely more callous and guarded than any girl actually is or should have to be.  The wounds they carry are already bone deep.

Yet, here they all are.  And here I am.

I've never been here with a group this large.  Usually, when I come only one or two is interested in what I have to share.  The rest do what they do.  I've even been scowled and hissed at.  This time, all but one sit and wait for me. 

Introductions are made, some small talk ensues, and we all try to get comfortable.  Physically and emotionally.  I think we all feel a little raw.  In the rawness, I open up a balm.  I've learned it's the only balm of it's kind.  100% effectiveness.  It soaks into the places you never thought anything could reach, soothes aches you didn't know existed, and it brings a healing that leaves you better than new.  It breathes life.  It is life.  Life in words.  The Word.

They want to know how I know these "stories" are true.  How can I be so sure?  There are so many other theories.  We work through the doubts and skeptical questions.  We try to figure out all the angles.

They want impenetrable proof.

Then I tell them that the proof is when the truth lives in them.  When you allow Him in something happens.  The transformation is inexplicable, yet you completely understand.  You are free.  Your past disappears.  You no longer live under a continuous, low-lying, black cloud.  A strong wind has blown and magnificently cleared the air.  A new power is in operation.  The Spirit of life.

I tell them they will know it's truth because they will feel the freedom of choice.  No longer having to only act and react in the same ways that have previously caused chaos, wounds, and death.  Now they will have a choice. And with that choice, a source of strength that allows them to make choices that are beyond what they are capable of.  Beyond what they would even dream of.  Choices that bring peace, love, and life.   They will be free to take off their old ways, and put on new ways.

Lastly, I tell them they will know because not only will they feel love, they will freely give it.  That not only will they live in forgiveness they, themselves, will be able give, in trust and in understanding.  Trusting that they are loved and forgiven, and understanding of who we all really are.

The impenetrable truth will be them.  It will be their lives.  It will be how they live.  That's how we know.   There are no conspiracy theories that can change the truth of which they will live.  It will be theirs.  Something all their own.

Nervously, I ask if any of the eight would like to pray with me, asking for the Spirit of life to take residence in their hearts.  In this place, many don't like that question.  It's far too vulnerable.   At first it was two.  Then it was four.  And as we bowed our heads to the One who makes all things new, I hear seven of them pray out loud with me.

And that's how I know it's truth.  I've seen it.  I've lived it.  I've watched as He works.  Right in front of my eyes, he has made beauty from ashes.  Taken death and turned it into life.  

They are older than girls, but not quite yet women.  Their new names are, Daughters of the One True King. 

He is Infinitely More

As I sat on the beach on the Big Island, I thought to myself, "I don't think it can get much better than this.  Then, I opened my book and read this quote:

"Every time you feel in God's creatures something pleasing and attractive, do not let your attention be arrested by them alone, but, passing them by, transfer your thought to God and say "O my God, if Thy creations are so full of beauty, delight, and joy, how infinitely more full of beauty, delight, and joy art Thou Thyself, Creator of all!" --Nicodemus of the Holy Mountain. 

Here is some of the beauty I took in and experienced.  To think of it as just a foretaste of what's to come, is more than my heart can handle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By far, the best part of this trip was to see God's fingerprint everywhere I looked.

Praise you, Lord, creator of all things.

Is Anyone Out there?

You may have thought I had forgotten my Blogger password.  You would be wrong.  As embarrassing as it is, the truth is, I just haven't been here in over a month.  Yes.  I believe it has been longer than five weeks.  In all fairness, I think the last post was a fair warning.  The kids are keeping me so busy, and time moves so quickly.  While to me it feels like I just posted yesterday, reality says it has been over five weeks.  It's a bit sobering.

While I would love to dive into each item I'm going to share here and make it it's own post, it just isn't going to happen.  Also, I don't feel like I can come here after so long and not do a catch up.  Here's to hoping that catching up on the blog is not all I do this year.

Like I mentioned before, the kids are still no joke.  Their activities are large and in-charge.  Combined with homework, we barely have time to sit and watch TV.  I know.  The horror of it all.  Currently, we are in Jiu Jitsu twice a week, Battle of the Books (which ends on Wednesday, but more on that later), AWANA (which we've skipped since the beginning of February because we can't fit it in), and we are between basketball and soccer season.  I can barely talk about that last item.  Soccer season.  I'm not, and never desired to be a "soccer mom".  I don't really like the sport all that much, but even more so, I do not like that this sport takes place outside during the craziest weather seasons Colorado has to offer.  I have no love in my heart for sitting outside for an hour freezing my tail off in either frigid temps, snow, rain, or high (freezing cold) winds.  But let's get real.  We live in Colorado.  We often see all of those things in the course of an hour.  Easily.  I'm no friend of cold weather.  Combine that with a game that holds my attention for a short time, and I'm out.  Apparently, I'm one of the few.  My son may be one of the only kids on his team that will be playing soccer for the first time this season.  I will try not to complain about this anymore.  The Little Man is over the moon that his, "mommy finally let me play the game I love the most." I'm a horrible, selfish mother.

The Girl is about to wrap up Battle of the Books this season, tomorrow.  I'm proud to say that they won the area championships last week and tomorrow her team will be battling it out for top seat in the district!  It's been a very happy time in this house since Friday when they won.  They made it to the same spot last year and lost.  So, this year's win was that much sweeter.  I'm both excited and nervous for her.  I know these kids really know their stuff, and they'll do their very best.  I just hope for her, it gets them a win.  Will she survive if it doesn't?  Absolutely.  However, I can't help but want this for her.  I'll have to keep the blog updated....you know in a few months.

My Champion

The whole team!

Um, oh yea, I went to Hawaii.  Never in my whole life did I ever think I would say that I have been to Hawaii (or any of the the Hawaiian islands) twice in less than a year.  Never.  I mean, I never stepped foot on an island until The Hubs and I celebrated our 10th anniversary in 2010.  Also, I never thought it possible for us to go there and not pay a red cent for our flight, hotel, or 90% of what we ate.  It was a true gift and blessing for Scott and I to be able to go on this trip at the end of February without our kids, and an even bigger blessing that my in-laws were so willing to keep our kids for the five days we were gone.  It was a sweet time of slowing down and reconnecting as a couple.  Not to mention spending time with my parents (who also came with us) and just feeling spoiled.  God's creation absolutely floors me.  I know I have heard people "ooo" and "ahhh" over the mountains.  Their majestic beauty is something to notice for sure.  However, the beach, the ocean, the tropical plant life, and sea life do it for me.  I can't tell you how many times I had to stop, catch my breath, and then just praise Him for all He has made, and His creativity and power in it all.  From lava flows and volcanoes, to watching whales play in the ocean, splashing their whale tales, I was astounded by the beauty of all of it. I am hoping to spend a post on this later, including pictures.  

The Hubs has been on a serious diet for the last five weeks.  I totally blame this diet for the lack of blogging.  Totally.  He has been gluten free, yeast free, and sugar free since February 11th.  The gluten and sugar are actually not too difficult.  Challenging, yes.  Difficult, not so much.  I mean, 15% of the country is gluten free which means at the super markets in my area, I can find numerous products that are either made without gluten, or are naturally gluten free.  They are all clearly labeled and easy to find.  Also, when I search the internet, there is a wealth of information, recipes, and advice from so many people who have gone before and paved the way.  The yeast piece of this diet? Yea.  It's REALLY difficult.  Yeast is in everything, and it is not clearly labeled, and not many people have paved the way here.  In all seriousness, this diet became a full-time job for me for at least 3 weeks.  I spent probably 40+ hours a week researching about the diet, finding recipes, searching for substitutes, shopping for new foods, finding stores where the new products were sold, etc.   I went from rocking dinner about 95% of the time to only serving something somewhat tolerable about one in every four to five dinners.  The other dinners we gagged back, and it pains me to say, we would just throw out a lot of stuff.  The diet was supposed to help resolve some major inflammation in his body, thus helping in some other health issues that he battles everyday.  While inflammation is down and he has lost 30 pounds, we aren't quite sure that anything else has been fixed or alleviated.  However, my husband is determined to follow this through to the end.  So, two more weeks of this, and we'll try something different.  It should be interesting, to say the least.  Also, it has reopened my eyes to the crud we put into our bodies each day.  No wonder we are breaking down and have so many different ailments.  I'm convinced that we, as a society, are slowly killing ourselves with our food.  That's a whole different topic, and I better stop there.

My youngest sister got engaged.  Yup!  I could not be happier for her or her man.  They will say "I do" on August 1st this year.  It is a speedy engagement, but it will be full of fun and special times.  I can not wait to celebrate her in this precious season of her life.  My kids are just as excited, and I have especially loved watching them take in this special time.  The Girl is all about the ring, the dress, and the romance of it all.  The Little Man has been very sweet in praying for her stress levels. Making sure to ask God for His help for her to get done what needs to be done, and that she'll be happy with all the decisions that are made.  He also is quick to tell people that his aunt is going to get married and he'll have a new uncle.  Precious.

Combining the trip to Hawaii and daylight savings, proved to be extremely difficult.  I suffered from some serious jet lag due to the time change and the red eye flight that we had to make, twice (our airplane broke down leading to a canceled flight, and then we had to take another red-eye the next evening with no sleep during the day in between).  Just when I was catching up, painfully I might add, the time change came, and I was off again.  I'm convinced that this exhaustion led to my first cold in about four years.  I had forgotten how miserable you feel when your head is congested and your body is just crummy feeling all over.  Thankfully, I was able to fight it off in about five-ish days.  I really reevaluating the way I treat the kids and The Hubs when they are sick.  Compassion and grace are good things.

Here's to hoping I make it back again before another month goes by.  I do miss it here, but have been writing in my journal frequently.  One day I hope to share.

Overflowing Full

January was a full month.  All sorts of stuff going on in real life, and in my head and heart.  Here's what's going on (in no particular order):

1) The kids are no joke this year.  I mean, between the two of them, I'm out of breath.  Of course, it's all been good things.  It's just that this is the first (school) year that we have really been engaged in several extra curricular activities.  In the past, I have let each of them pick one thing at a time.  Meaning, if The Girl was doing an activity, it was The Little Man's "off-season" and vice versa.   It kept me sane.  This year it just wasn't going to work out.  The kids have both found things that they really enjoy, and it just so happened that their "seasons" overlapped.  Right now, we are in the middle of basketball season for The Little Man, but we also have Jiu Jitsu and AWANA. 

2) Going along with number one, The Girl is currently preparing for the school's talent show with a  friend of hers.  They are going to sing Avril Lavigne's  "Skater Boy".  Don't ask.  Actually, I did ask.  Their response was,  "It was our favorite song on the karaoke machine."  Awesome.   I told them that next year, we could all work together to find the best song.  Thankfully, they've agreed.   You might be asking, "Why didn't you stop it before they tried out?" Well, friends, if I am going to be honest, I really didn't think they would make it in.  I know.  You all hate me.  I don't really like myself for thinking it either.   However, can I say, it made me all the more surprised to see just how cute they were.  Even if they were singing about their skater boy heart throb.  We'll see the grand performance tomorrow night.  In the meantime, I've been shopping for the perfect "Skater Girl" outfits with two girls who would rather wear sequins because, after all, they are going to be on stage, and learning how to edit music digitally.  Turns out that each performance can only be three minutes, and when those three minutes are up, there up.   Well, the girls had some definite opinions on which parts of the music they wanted to keep and which had to go.  So, there I was learning how to cut, split, combine, and fade music.  I've impressed even myself. 

3)  Speaking of The Girl, I finally got some 10 year old portraits of her.  Here are a few of my favorites:

4)  Speaking of portraits, this past month I had some photography mentoring.  It was fun and challenging, and most importantly, it opened my eyes to my own work. I did three shoots in the span of about 10 days, which is a lot for me.  I don't think I've mastered anything she has taught me yet, but throughout the year, I am hoping to see some serious growth in my work.  I'm also feeling like I could take another class or one on one mentoring again soon.

5) While I haven't been writing here, I have been writing "old school" style, you know, in a journal.  God has really been working on my heart and teaching me tons about "Faith".  I am loving it, but some stuff just has to be kept private.  Maybe there will be some summary at some point, but right now, it's just my brain emptying as much as I can, as fast as I can.

6) The Girl's team for Battle of the Books won the school wide competition.  That means she and her team will compete once a week against different schools in the district, and eventually they will compete for top school in the district.    We L-O-V-E Battle of the Books.  It is such a fun way to encourage reading.  It also just happens to be the only form of competition that The Girl will engage in. 

7) The Little Man has been sick more this school year than the last two school years combined.  When he came down with some sort of funky flu like virus a few weeks ago, I looked back at the calendar and realized that he's been sick and had to miss school every single month this school year.  Crazy.  Here's to hoping that February will be different.  Even if it is just because it has less days.  

With all that has been going on, I'm really having to work hard on not getting too overwhelmed.  I overwhelm very easily (if you haven't figured that out).   God has really been good to me, showing me that, while there may be a lot going on, it's all good stuff.  It's also all stuff that has been prayed about and for.  We are living out our days full of answered prayers.  He is showing me that instead of being overwhelmed and shutting down, I can be overwhelmed and full of thanksgiving.  When I choose to pick the latter, it makes life so rich.  That is my prayer for February.

"Lord, let me see the way you are filling our lives with blessing and answered prayers, and let me respond with praise and thanksgiving!"