It's Getting Hard to Breathe

"Is it just me, or do you feel like you have an elephant sitting on your chest?" I asked The Hubs, and for once, I was only being slightly dramatic.  I know I've mentioned it a few times, but since school has started for the kids this year, my life has felt a bit chaotic.  We have entered into a new season of life, and I'm feeling stretched way out of my comfort zone.   In fact, I feel like my comfort zone is in an entirely different zip code right now.  The Hubs is affectionately calling this season a "transition period".  That's not dramatic enough for me.  I'm trying hard not to curl up into a ball and refuse to come out until someone promises me a solid week of lounging on the couch in front of the TV.  And just when I thought I couldn't be stretched any farther, or distance myself more from my comfort zone, we are facing another transition. 

Recently, we received news that a house we had put an offer on over the summer, was now very interested in our offer.  They wanted to know if we would like our offer to be considered again.  Um.  We made that offer over the summer because selling a home, moving into a home, and remodeling a home (which this particular home will need) sounds like something that may take a little time.  This past summer, we had time.  Now? Notsomuch.   Oh, and what's that? It's the holiday season, you say?  Well, that just makes things so much more interesting, doesn't it?  Thank you, but I think we'll pass.  

Then we began praying about it.   And talking about it.  And we were up in the middle of the night praying and thinking about it.  You know what I'm hearing?  Sometimes trying to do what's easiest, what makes the most sense, isn't always where Peace is.  Peace is found in one place.   Actually, to be more specific, I'm hearing "Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways, and He will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6


So, long story short, we threw a low ball offer (thinking they'd refuse it), expected that the process would take 30-90 days (giving us time to catch our breath),  and hoped something would snag (and we wouldn't have to enter into more chaos).  However, what's actually happened is: They accepted our offer, the bank approved in five days, and they would like us to close in three weeks.  

Deep breath.  

As I lay awake at night asking God if this is really what He is calling us to, there have been many things He's brought to my attention.  First, I'm struggling with leaving this house, as opposed to just moving, more than I think I am.  He's challenging me to really look at why I am holding onto things of this world too tightly.   Yuck.  You know what else I hold onto too tightly? Comfort, ease, and doing things my way (you know, control).  Double yuck.  Guess what? I thought I had worked through all those things three years ago.

When The Hubs first got sick in 2011, I had no control, nothing was easy, and my comfort zone was G-O-N-E, gone.   He's been reminding me of those days to reassure me. While we still struggle with health issues, one thing I have learned is that not one day has been walked alone.  Not one victory has been won in our strength, but with His power in us.   He's been so faithful.  

In comparison, these current struggles, while overwhelming at times, are what The Hubs calls "a cake-walk".  Hmmm. Not sure I would go that far, but The Hubs is right.  Why would I doubt that God would not be my strength, comfort, and peace when that's always been who He is.  He's brought us this far, there's no need to fear that He would leave us now.  

What I'm learning in this current season is that I need God each and every moment of each and every day.  With some exciting but overwhelming circumstances, He has put me in a place where everyday I must surrender my own strength and will for His.  While I might feel like my chest is tightening and it's getting hard to breathe, walking so closely to Him is not such a bad place to be.  

Not bad at all.





 

Derailed Plans

I had a plan.  It seemed pretty solid, logical, and I even felt as though I had received several confirmations through other people/events, prayer, the Word, and peace in my heart.  I mean things just kept falling into place where I thought for sure they wouldn't.  Doors seemed to fly right open with barely a knock. 

The funny thing was, this plan, it was totally not me.  Like if you were to have told me only a few years ago about this plan that I had, I would have laughed and said no way.  I may have even gotten a little angry because of how staunchly against some of the ideas of this plan I was.  But that's what was making things so exciting!  I couldn't believe God would change my heart in such a way that I was now embracing something that I would have rejected years earlier.

All summer I embraced this plan.  I got ready for how this new plan would impact our family as well as myself.  I was getting excited for everything to come together and to be able share an awesome story about how God had brought me to this new place in my life.  I may have even written a blog post in my head about it.  Maybe.

Then, out of no where, the plan became completely derailed.  I mean, the door wasn't just shut, it was slammed.  Hard.  In my face.  My fingers even got caught.  I was totally caught off guard and crushed.  Even worse, I was embarrassed.  I hate it when you can't tell if you are crying because you hurt or because you are embarrassed you got hurt in the first place.   Crying over embarrassment takes so much longer to get over.

So here I am, a few weeks later, blue bruises have turned that funny yellowish green, and I feel like I'm on track for a full recovery.   I won't lie and say that I've sat quietly and waited to heal.  No, there were some ugly moments for sure.  I had some tough spots in my heart that I had to work out.  Anger, defensiveness, self-pity, and revenge just to name a few.  The thing was, my train was derailed by someone else, purposefully.

I sat before the Lord (and continue to do so as my wounds are still scabby as we speak) and asked Him, "What in the world was THAT?"  I couldn't understand what I did to deserve what happened.  I didn't understand why it had to go down the way it did, so painfully.  I was certain, I was following exactly where the Lord was leading me, each step in faith and obedience.  So why this painful derailment?

In the days that followed He was gentle to show me a few things.  First, His plans will never be thwarted.   Ever.  They are always for my best, and better than anything I could ever hope or even pray for.  There are just some things that I can't and won't understand until later.  Maybe not even on this side of eternity.  He never says "No" out of a mean spirit.  He can't be mean.  He is good.   He does good things.  It's impossible for anything bad to come from Him. 

He also gently reminded me of Abraham marching his only son, Issac, up the mountain to sacrifice him.  God had told him to do that.  He gave specific directions, and made a way for it to happen.  But!  Then at the very last moment, God changed the plan on Abraham.  (Not to be confused with God changing His mind, God knew all along that this was how it would go.)   Right before the blade touched Issac's skin, an angel of the Lord calls out to him and tells him to stop.  Imagine if Abraham just continued to march forward saying, "No, God!  This isn't the directions you first gave me.  You gave me clear instructions and even changed my heart to agree with you, so I'm moving forward."  That would've been crazy, right?  Probably about as crazy as it would have been for me to force my way back into a plan that was so decisively changed.

But why the hurt?  Couldn't the doors closed a little more gently, and maybe without my fingers in them?  I mean, I felt like I was obediently walking in faith, which, by-the-way, isn't something I'm very good at.  Then, I read about Joseph, Mary, and their newest addition to the family, Jesus.  Mary and Joseph were certainly obedient to God when, by faith, they accepted that Mary would conceive as a virgin.   And Joseph? He married her because he trusted what the angel of the Lord told him about who this baby was and how he was conceived.  He didn't waiver once he had clear instructions.  Yet, here this young couple was, delivering their child in a feed trough, and on the run under threat that the king was out to kill their child.  Not once, but twice!  I can't imagine how difficult that would have been.  Painful at times, I'm sure.  However, each painful experience led to the fulfillment of ancient prophesy, which spoke of God's perfect plan. 

A plan that would not be thwarted. 

There are days when I still feel like I am licking my wounds.  I'm not sure when they will heal completely, but I'm sure that they will.  I know that God has a perfect plan for my life, and it will not be thwarted.  Even the painful stuff, while not fun, has a purpose.  In the end, I trust I will look back at my life and say, "I wouldn't have done it any other way.  Your way was the best."  I trust that this time is growing and equipping me for something farther down the line.  So, I will continue to pray, not only to be comforted and healed, but to grow and be ready for His sovereign plan.  Whatever it may be.

He Waits There

For the past two years, I have been part of a ministry that reaches out to incarcerated youth in my area.  Once a month, I get to have a chance to sit in a small group of girls who are serving time.  In that hour I listen to them, I pray with them, I share the Word with them, and, hopefully, encourage them.  I hear hard stories, get hard questions, and deal with hard emotions.  It's never easy there, but it's always beautiful.  I've gotten to witness first hand the softening of hearts, forgiveness, reconciliation, and even salvation.  Works that can only be done by The Almighty. 

Last night we looked at the parable of the talents in Matthew.  In this parable Jesus was teaching about three servants who were all given money by their master.  Each one of them was expected to keep the money until the master's return, upon which the master would be asking for it back.   Two of the servants took the money given to them, invested it, and doubled the amount.  One servant, out of fear, took the money, buried it in a hole, and then waited for his master to return.  When the master returned he was elated with the news that two of his servants doubled his money while he was away.  However, when the third servant announced that he had done nothing with the money entrusted to him, and returned the original amount, the master was furious with him.  He took the amount entrusted to the third servant, gave it to the first servant, and threw the third servant out of his house declaring "If you knew I was after the best, why did you do less than the least?" (Matthew 25:26)

As the girls and I sat and discussed this parable, told thousands of years ago, and what it could possibly mean for their lives now, here in 2013, I could see one of the girls go deep into thought.  She sat and remained silent for a while.  Fearing I had lost her attention somehow, I asked her if she had any thoughts to what the parable was teaching her.  She responded with this:

"I think that God gives us all these opportunities, and He expects us to use each opportunity wisely while we are here.  When we waste opportunities, abilities, or the things He has given us, it makes Him sad."

She paused, staring off into nowhere, just long enough for us to notice a break in her words, but not long enough for me to ask another question, or elaborate on what she had said. 

She continued with, "I've been wasting my time before coming here.  I think I've been given many chances to do wonderful things, but I chose not to.  My mom and my grandma have been trying to encourage me in who God is and the plans he has for me, but I ignore them.  So I think He brought me here so I would have to sit still long enough, and away from all the distractions, to find Him.  I've noticed since being here, that a lot of people have been asking me to pray for them.  If I wasn't here, I wouldn't even consider it.  Now that I am, I do.  I didn't get to be released when they said I would be.  I was very disappointed, but now I think that I needed to be here to continue to know Him more."

More silence.

"I don't want my time here to be a waste.  I'm tired of wasting my time outside of here too."

And like that, I once again got to see Jesus meet someone face to face.  In jail.

Isn't it just like Jesus to wait for someone there?  A King who came to this earth not to be served but to serve.  A King born to an ordinary woman in a feed trough.  Not in a palace, not to royalty, and not with any sort of special ceremony.  A King who spent his time not with the most important people, but with the most unnoticed people.  People who were sick and dying, people who were outcasts, people who were criminals.  A King who came to be with the "least of these". 

When I think about Jesus, who He loves, and how He serves, it makes sense to me that He'd wait for this girl there.  In jail.  That terrible, cold place.  That place full of people who are outcasts, who society frowns down upon or even purposely looks away from.  A jail where few acknowledge  (or know) who He really is and how loved they are by Him.  When I really think about who Christ is and what He came to do, it makes perfect sense that He wouldn't hesitate for a second to sit and wait for people there.  No one is too lost for Him to love and no one too low for Him to serve.

These things that God has allowed me to see and be a part of, thrill me to no end.  They deepen my roots of faith, and they make me fall deeper and deeper in love with Him.  Him, who chooses to go to the ugly places, the most hurtful times, and patiently wait there.  A King.  In those places?  My heart could burst.

^" Later when Jesus was eating supper at Matthew’s house with his close followers, a lot of disreputable characters came and joined them. When the Pharisees saw him keeping this kind of company, they had a fit, and lit into Jesus’ followers. “What kind of example is this from your Teacher, acting cozy with crooks and riffraff?”
^" Jesus, overhearing, shot back, “Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? Go figure out what this Scripture means: ‘I’m after mercy, not religion.’ I’m here to invite outsiders, not coddle insiders.”--Matthew 9:10-13 The Message

Small Talk

Recently heard in conversations in our home:

As I looked over at The Little Man's place mat, I notice a very large mess.  Especially when you consider the smallness of what was eaten.  Just one cookie.  That was it.  I called The Little Man into the kitchen, jumping on the opportunity to teach neat eating habits and cleaning up after yourself.  As I looked at his face, COVERED in chocolate we discussed:

me: Buddy, can you please take a look at your place mat?
p: Yea.
me: What are you seeing there that you aren't seeing at the other spots around the table?
p: Lots and lots of crumbs.
me: Yea.  I noticed your face is quite the mess as well. 
p:  Mom!  What do you want me to do?  Seriously! I just really enjoy my food, OK?

I love food too, so it was hard for me to continue in this conversation.  I simply told him after he was done "enjoying his food", he needed to remember to clean up.

And I hugged him because we share the common bond of food love.

At the breakfast table:
d: You know we only have a few days left before we are in Orlando at Harry Potter World!
p: I know!  I can't' wait.  Maybe we should watch 1 movie every night before we leave and then we will be all caught up.
d: Don't forget, we need to be reading the books, buddy. 
(Oh how I love that girl!)
p: I know, sister!  I'm already on book 4.  I'm reading the fastest I can, but I don't know if I'll get it all done before we leave.
d: Oh!  You can get it done.  You just have to make a commitment.  What I do is just plan to carve out about 4 hours a day and just commit to read during that time. 
p: You just read the whole time?
d: Yup.  It's the only way to get any amount of large reading done.
p: I don't know if I can read that long.  (Or stay still that long (Oh wait, those are my thoughts))
d: Well, you won't know if you don't try.

And upstairs they went.  Each to their own rooms.  It wasn't for four hours, but I'm not complaining about any amount of time of total peace.  Plus, seeing both of my babies with their noses in Harry Potter books made my heart swell just a little. 

Me.  Talking to myself.  Early in the morning this past Wednesday.  (Oh.  Don't act like you don't talk to yourself!)
me:  Just think.  This is the last lunch you are packing until August.   The VERY LAST ONE. 

That might have been the best conversation all week.

Faith

As the New Year comes screaming in, I'm trying very hard to catch my breath.  Hello, 2013.  2012 ended much more quickly than I expected it to.  Suddenly, I have a 10 year old, my kids are half way through their 4th and 1st grade school years, and I'm faced with a new year that I feel like I need to set goals for.  I wonder why I feel like the new year means new goals?  Especially, since I know many will be not just forgotten, but purposely given up on.  Yup, sometimes I will stare a goal in the face and just say, "You know what? I'm done.  It was nice hangin' with ya for as long as I did, but it's time for goodbye."  And the next day?  I don't even really feel like a loser.  No, I feel more like I've let go of some dead weight I've been carrying around, and I'm free. 

So why even set goals?  Not sure I have an answer, except that I think it's healthy to re-evaluate your life here and there.  How am I living?  What am I slacking in and I need to pick it up?  Where am I working in vain and I need to lay it down?  If I'm honest, I re-evaluate my life often.  Maybe too much?  I don't know, but there is something about the first of the year that makes re-evaluation feel very formal. 

For the last few years, I have been picking one word that I want to drive my whole year.  (You can see past years here and here).  I love this idea, and I wish I came up with it, but actually the people at One Word did.  The thing is, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, some days I'm doing good to get to the end of the day, so having these specific goals to follow me all year seems too unrealistic to me, and not flexible enough.  However, one word can apply to your life in so many different ways.  It's moveable and all encompassing. 

This year, my word will be "faith".  This word has been in my ear since sometime this summer.   It was about that time that I started noticing that my word for last year, "reckless", needed to have a back bone.  Faith is that backbone.  Listen, I'm not saying that "reckless" was a bust last year.  I was all sorts of reckless last year.  In fact, I feel totally successfully reckless.  But what "reckless" did was open my eyes more clearly to "faith".  I need faith to be reckless. 

Have you ever noticed when you've done a workout, on say your legs, that the next day, it isn't just your legs that are sore?  Sometimes your back and lower core muscles are feeling a bit weary as well.  That's because  you use those back and lower core muscles to do a leg workout.  So last year, while my "reckless" muscles were getting a great workout, I was noticing that some other muscles were feeling sore.  They were my "faith" muscles.  I also noticed that they aren't as strong as I thought they should/what I would like them to be.  In fact, the more reckless I got, the sorer my faith muscles grew, and the more I realized I had a little "muscle imbalance". 

It's time to address this imbalance.  And can I say, I'm really feeling it?  And also, for the first time since doing this whole "one word" thing, I'm finding myself trying to talk myself out of it.   It's been a gut check to say the least.  My eyes have been open to an area that I need help with.

This year, I want my faith to increase.  I want to believe and trust more, even when circumstances give me every reason to doubt.  Also, I want that belief and trust to grow some legs and walk.  I don't want this faith to dance around in my head or swim in and out of conversations, I want real action.  I want it to look like something.  The truth is: Faith does.  The truth is, as a believer in Christ, I've been promised some pretty amazing things.  I have a choice, I can believe them and know that with all my heart, and despite current circumstances, they are true, or I can choose to not.  The thing with faith, is there is no middle ground.  I either live in belief or unbelief.  It's black and white.  But if I have faith, and I believe in the promises made, it should change the way I live. 

Completely. 

The Little Things are Big Things

Today, I am thankful for what I think of each day as "The Little Things".  Things like a dishwasher, a clothes washer and dryer, a vacuum, clean water, heat, a refrigerator and freezer, an ice maker, computers, and I'm sure a whole host of other modern day, first world conveniences that I take for grated each day.

I think about people living without running water in their homes, traveling miles each day, carrying their water home in jugs (most of the time it's not even clean water), and yet I flip on my faucet without so much of a thought.  I never have to consider what it would be like to turn the handle on the faucet/flush a toilet, and have nothing happen.  Not only that, I've never think twice about if the water coming out of said faucet is safe for me or my family to drink.

Taking that a step further, while some people in the world ration their daily water, clean or unclean as it may be, I don't think twice as clean water runs through my dishwasher and clothes washer, cleaning my dishes and clothing.  The same clean water gushes through my sprinkler system to water my grass in the summer time so that my home can have "curb appeal".

Choosing one day to be thankful for these "little things" seems too small, and not even remotely close to enough.  I should be more thankful each day for these "little things" because in the majority of the world, my "little things" are "big, life-changing things".  

He Is Beauty

Have I blogged too much about how I've been enjoying the Fall weather and colors?  Well, sorry.  Today was no different.  Tomorrow, there is a forecast for snow.  So, today I tried to go outside, as much as I could, to soak in the wonderful weather before it changes.

In our front yard, we planted a new tree about three years ago.  The tree previous to this one was the type that had green foliage and flowers in the early spring, and then turned purple for the remaining spring and summer.  The flowers were glorious.  They filled our neighborhood with a fragrance that was perfection.  However, once the leaves turned to purple, after the blooms faded, there was no more color change for this tree.  The leaves simply fell off in the fall.  That was it.  That tree died, and so we planted a new one.  Our new tree blooms in the spring (although the fragrance isn't as sweet), and changes colors in the fall.  This fall, in particular, the tree was radiant.  It is yellow in the center and red on the outer edges.  It looks like a glowing ember.

I smile each time I see this tree.  I have always adored trees that change color in this multi-color way in the fall.  They are my favorite.  However, I knew that the tree we picked out as a replacement, would not do this.  It is supposed to simply turn red.  (Which is gorgeous, by the way, especially in a state where all the native trees turn yellow.)  So, when I see this tree, I smile because I know that this tree doesn't have to look this way.  But it does.  Why?  I believe it's God's sweet gift to me this year.  For whatever reason, and certainly not because I deserve it, He has chosen to bless me in this special way this year.

Our devotional, that we study as a family, reminded us just a few days ago that God is in all things beautiful.   When I look outside, drive up to my home, or sit on the porch, and gaze upon this tree, I am thankful to be given this reminder that I have a God who loves me so much He chooses to give me beauty to look at each day.

"Worship me in the beauty of holiness.  All true beauty reflects some of who I am."
 -Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

All Good Things Come to an End

As I look at my flower baskets (which I have babied all summer long, due to forgetting to water them one time, and they practically died on me (So what if the day I forgot it was 105 degrees.)), which are slowly fading day by day,  I think they are reminding me that my beloved summer season is also coming to an end.

How is it possible that we have less than two weeks left of Summer Break?

One Word

Since all the hype about New Year's Resolutions has somewhat quieted down, I thought now would be a good time to share my One Word for the New Year.  Hey, at least it's still January, which is better than I did last year.  It's all about improvement.

I love choosing one word instead of listing off a whole list of things I hope to do or not to do.  It's about having one word that will encompass my entire year.  The one thing I want to focus on and grow in the most.  It's going to be a bit deeper than "Getting into the habit of drinking eight, eight ounce, glasses of water a day".  (Which is totally on my list of things to do this year, by the way.)  No, this is more about changing who I am as a person in my heart, and growing closer to God.

In the past two years that I have done this, I feel like there was transformational growth in my heart.  The first year, I chose the word "Others".  I was hoping to grow a heart that was more "Others focused" and less "Me focused".  God opened my eyes in many different ways to the way others live, hurt, need, love, worship, give, and serve.   The world around me really opened up as I took my eyes off of myself and looked at others instead.

Last year, the word I chose was "Still".  I have to laugh at that now.  I can't begin to tell you all the different ways that God taught me how to be still last year, but it began with Him lovingly forcing our family, and our way of life, to a complete and total halt.  We were plain shut down.  We could do nothing but be still.  But in the stillness, we learned so much about God.  How He loves, provides, and carries.  We learned about His strength, sovereignty, and power.  I would have missed all of it had I not been forced to be still.  When I first chose that word, it was because I thought I needed rest.  I felt like I needed a break from life.  You know, like a coffee break or a vacation.  While our lives became a crazy ride, I let go of many things I was holding on to way too tightly.  Things that wore me out.  Things that took away peace.  Things that kept me from rest, and in letting go, I rested.  In the stillness, He was my complete and perfect rest.

Now that I have two years of the One Word Challenge under my belt, I know what an impact choosing one word can be.  So, I did not take this on lightly this year.  I spent time in prayer, and really spent time searching my heart.  I learned so much in our crazy last year.  I came to a whole new understanding of what it means to be sustained by God, and how God strengths can be made perfect in my weaknesses.  I have never had to rely on God the way I had to this past year, and in that complete surrender, I was able to do more.  I was stronger.  I was more capable.   I also learned how to be OK with the fact that, on my own, I will fall short.  It's just the hardcore truth. 

This year, I am ready.  I feel like I've rested, and I'm ready to tackle this new year.  I want to scream, "BRING IT ON!"  Except, this time, I don't say that thinking that I am going to do much on my own.  No, this time I say it knowing I can't.  Instead, I will be solely relying on God.  So, what is my word?  It's "Reckless". 

This year, I want to be "Reckless" in the way I love.  I want to love the people around me with a reckless love that can only come from our Savior.  A love that isn't concerned with loving only if it's fair.  A love that loves even if it might not be returned.  A love that might get broken and bleed.  A love that isn't earned or deserved.  On my own this kind of love would be scary, heartbreaking, impossible, and down right nuts.  But when this love is the love that overflows from my heart, and whose source is Christ, it's a different love.  This is Christ's love.  A love that is patient, and kind. A love that does not envy or boast, and isn't proud.  A love that is not easily angered, and keeps no records of wrong.  A love that protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.   A love that never fails. (1Corin 13:4-8)   This isn't my love.  It's impossible for me to love like this.  This love is the perfect and sacrificial love of Christ.  A love that is to be shared. 

Recklessly. 

This year I want to recklessly love my husband, kids, and family members.  But I don't want to stop there because that would be comfortable, not reckless.  I want to continue beyond my comfort zone and love those in my neighborhood, church, school community, and city.  And like a ripple in water, I want to reach further.  I want to recklessly love those that have wronged me, those who don't get a second look, and those who don't know love at all, in hopes that they too may experience the love of Christ themselves.



This song says it all.

"Bring your love to life inside of me
Why don’t you break my heart ’til it moves my hands and feet
For the hopeless and the broken
for  the ones that don’t know that you love them
Bring your love to life inside of me.
Love come to life, bring love to life inside of me."-Big Daddy Weave, Love Come to Life

It's About to get Personal

I have to admit, this post is mostly for my kids.

I hope one day they read this and are encouraged,  and feel their faith and love for the Lord deepen.

I recently finished up a Bible study on Isaiah.  It was by no accident that I was in this nine month intensive study.  Of course, I thought I had signed up because that's what I do.  I like to sign up for Bible studies, but this one was different.  At the end of the study we all got a chance to reflect on what we learned through the study.  Since the past six months have been some of the most difficult months of my life, I had a lot to reflect on.

I know that I have mentioned in a very vague way a few times that our family has been going through some suffering recently, but I have never put a real name on it.  While I feel like we are not completely out of the woods yet, I do feel like I am in a spot where at least my head is above water.

In December of last year, The Hubs became ill.  Pardon my continued vagueness, but I feel like I should be protective over some of these details.  He had shown some symptoms as early as November, but we kept blaming other things and sweeping symptoms under the rug.  By January it became clear that he might be in trouble, and by the end of January and into February, it was clear that he was very ill.  His very life was threatened, and our old way of life, doing things, of living was totally gone.  Each day was very scary, and was a major battle.  He could no longer work, and I spent tons of time caring for him, caring for our children alone, trying to keep our lives as normal as possible, and many, many hours on my knees.

The Lord walked each and every step of this journey with me, just like He has promised.  Some of the things I had to see and hear, my heart was not made to take.  I found out that I am not as strong as I would like to think I am, and that is exactly how I am supposed to be.  Weak.  Desperate.  In need.

All along the way, each and every step I took, God carried me.  Instead of feeling tired and useless because I wasn't feeling like I was coping well, I felt peace, comfort, and relief as I allowed God to carry me instead.

Here is some of the dialogue I would have with Him in those desperate times/days/weeks/months:

(Remember, I was studying Isaiah at the time, so that's why most of the dialogue come from there)

When I would tell him, “Everything is out of control.  Is this your plan? I think something has gone wrong.” He assures me “I am the Lord, the Lord God Almighty.”  “...Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will happen.” (Is 14:24)

But I insist, “I am scared.  I have no peace.  This doesn’t feel right.”  and He patiently responds, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because He trusts you.” (Is 26:3)

And when I continued to seek peace from advice, research, or tried to work harder at fixing things myself, He reminded me that it is He who “establishes peace for us, all that we accomplish he has done for us.” (Is 26:12).

“But Lord, I am so weary.  I don’t know how I am going to make it even one more hour.” He whispers back to me, “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Is 40:29-31)  “For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” (Is 41:13)

“For how long, Lord?  Will you always help me?”

“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” (Is 46:4)

“Lord, the uncertainty of all that lies ahead has me terrified.  I don’t know what to expect.” He comforts me with, “...do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Is 41:10) 

“But I feel like this is too much. I think I’m drowning.”

“...“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...” (Is 43:1-3).

“But, Lord, will we ever see healing?  Is it your will to leave us broken?”

“I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys.  I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs. I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive. I will set junipers in the wasteland,  the fir and the cypress together, so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the LORD has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it.” (Is 41:18-20) (These are the verses that I claim for The Hub's healing)

“But, Lord, nothing is working.  The Doctors don’t know what to do next.  The medication isn’t helping.” 

“See, I am doing a new thing! ... I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Is 43:19)

“When, Lord?”
“In the time of my favor I will answer you, and in the day of salvation I will help you; I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people, to restore the land...” (Is 49:8)

“Oh, I hope it comes soon.  I hope this test result will show what we need!  I hope this is the medication that will make things better. Oh, I hope we can get our family back to normal.”

“...Those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” (Is 49:23)

“Lord, I think we have done too much wrong.  We have strayed from you.  We’ve been angry and frustrated with you.”

“I have seen your ways, but I will heal you...”  (Is 57:18).  “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” (Is 54:10)

“He’s not the same on all of his medication.  Lord, I miss my husband.”

“For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.”

“Lord, I need to know what to expect.  What will tomorrow hold for us?  Will he be better next month? Will he ever work again?”

“Remember the things I have done in the past.  For I alone am God! I am God, and there is none like me. Only I can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish.” (Is 46:9-10).

“But, Lord, why? What is this all for?”

“Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,  I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with sapphires. I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones.” (Is 54:11)

“This life is too hard.  I need hope.”

 “See, I will create new heavens and a new earth.  The former things will not be remembered,  nor will they come to mind...the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more...for they will be a people blessed by the LORD, they and their descendants with them.  Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.” (Is 65:17, 19, 23-24)

So I have hope.  Hope in the destruction he has allowed because He is in control.  He will bring peace, and I will not walk it alone.  He will bring healing in His time and for His glory, we are not forgotten, and He will restore us with a sure foundation, as beautiful as it is strong.  And when this life gets hard, and I find I am uncomfortable here, He promises that this isn’t the end.  I will have a new life, where the troubles of this life will long be forgotten, and there will be tears no more.

My Sweet Babies,
I know that circumstances of these past six months have been hard on your hearts and difficult to understand.  Life is hard.  It wasn't made to be fair.  It wasn't made to be easy.  Please know that when you find yourselves in over your head, you are not alone.  You are never alone.  When it seems like no one understands, or when friends have proven they can't understand or deal with all you are going through, you have The Lord.  He knows, He's sees and He cares.  He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Keep relying on Him and He will sustain and meet your every need.  Open His Word, get on your knees, and get ready to be carried through the fire.  He loves you so much!

Truth

 ⁹ "Remember the things I have done in the past.
      For I alone am God!
      I am God, and there is none like me.
 ¹⁰ Only I can tell you the future
      before it even happens.
   Everything I plan will come to pass,
      for I do whatever I wish."
-Isaiah 46:9-10 NLT

There are many reasons why I chose these verses as my memory verses for the next few weeks.  We all have issues, struggles,  and/or times of hardship.  While I may choose to keep many things private, for all kinds of reasons, I am not immune to these valleys in life.  Times when I just want to know when it all will come to an end.  Times when I feel all alone.  Times when I doubt.  But in these times these verses pull me back to truth.

The truth is I can and should think about all the things God has done for me in the past.  And if I have forgotten, He is faithful to remind me.  When I think upon His faithfulness, goodness, love, sovereignty, mercy, and grace I can be reminded that He has always held me close, never let me go, and always has my good in mind.  So in times of doubt, the first thing these verses remind me is to do is "Remember".

Next, is a reminder of who I am putting my trust in.  The one and only God.  There is none like him!  He is all powerful, all knowing, mighty, loving, and sovereign, among many other things.

Lastly, in times of uncertainty, I usually find myself desperate to know what is going to happen.  The last verses remind me that I need not look any further than God.  He is the ONLY one who knows what will happen before I do.  Despite my feelings of things spiraling out of control, He is totally in control.  All of the time.  Nothing happens that is a surprise to Him, and nothing happens without Him allowing it to happen.  I may not understand why things happen or how they will turn out, but I do have these promises:
¹¹ "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.""-Jeremiah 29:11

And:
 ²⁸ "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

And:
³¹ "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" -Romans 8:31-32

Among many others.

My other memory verses have also been so crucial to my heart this year.  I am so thankful that God's word is being etched in my heart.  Because, honestly? it's scary how easy I can believe in a lie.  However, week by week, it is getting easier and easier to combat them.

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." -Ephesians 6:13-17

Proper Focus

This past week at Bible study, our teaching leader taught on prayer, after studying King Hezekiah's prayer in Isaiah.  What grabbed my attention from the lecture was, often times when we (I) are in prayer we (I) tend to focus on the problem(s) that we (I) are facing instead of who we are praying to.  Yes, Hezekiah acknowledged the problems he was fighting, and laid them out before God, but He doesn't stay there.  He instead acknowledges who God is and what He is capable of.

Our teaching leader said it's like when we sit in prayer before God and continually hash out the problem(s) or the people in our lives that are causing problems.  God just gently grabs our little faces and turns them away from the issue(s) and says, "Look at me! Look at me.  I am bigger than all those things.  Remember who you are praying to?"

So last night, as I was praying through some tough times, I remembered this.  I confessed that I do forget who it is I am praying to because I am too wrapped up in myself.  I then asked the Lord to show me, remind me, who He is.

I thought for sure I would be searching through His Word for quite sometime, but I was up for the challenge.  I was surprised (pleasantly) that I didn't have to look very far.  Turns out, His Word is full of who He is (Duh).   After reading only six different chapters in Psalms and Isaiah, This is what He showed me:

He is:
The one who answers prayers, Ps 20:1
My protection, Ps 20:1
My Refuge and Strong tower, Ps 61:3
My Shelter, Ps 61:4
My rest, my salvation, Ps 62:1
My rock and fortress, Ps 62:2
My Hope, Ps 62:5
Strong and loving, Ps 62:12
My help,  63:7
The satisfaction of my soul, 63:5
Incomparable, Is 40:18
None is equal to, Is 40:25
The Everlasting God, creator,  Never tiring or weary, understands all things, Is 40:28
Strength and power, Is 40:29
The First and the Last,  Is 41:4
The One who has chosen me, Is 41:9
The One who takes hold of my right hand and says "do not fear", Is 41:13
Redeemer, Is 41:14

After sitting back and reviewing my list, I wept.

How could I possibly be scared, worried, or anxious.

It was one of the most precious times I have spent with the Lord.

Confessions

In an attempt to get the creative juices flowing (as if anything up until now has been creative), I thought I would do a few different types of posts, starting with this one.  I'm going to air some (somewhat) dirty laundry.

1.  Just so we all know, I totally stole the confessions idea from another blogger.  So it's not really creative on my part at all.
2.  I'm embarrassed because I know most of these confessions will leave people thinking "Really?  That's it?" I'm a pretty boring person.
3. I had to take The Little Man to get two more cavities filled today.  This is horrifying to me, but I try to make it sound like it's an everyday type thing to him because I don't want him to feel badly about it.  For the record, The Hubs and I still brush his teeth for him, so it's totally our fault either because we don't know how to brush teeth properly, or genetically.  Since The Girl has no cavities, and we also help her brush her teeth, I think it's a genetic thing.
4. I blame The Hubs' genes for number three.
5.  I am about as mature as a middle schooler when it comes to flatulence as well as jokes about body parts.  I can rarely say "nuts" or "balls", in any context, with a straight face.  Seriously, it's like I am 14.
6.  I despise bedtime.  Getting the kids in their jams, teeth brushed, stories read, and prayers said is painful for me.  I just want to get to the part where the house is quiet.  I feel even worse knowing that some parents find this time of the day enjoyable and it's their favorite part of the day.  And just to add a cherry on top of that guilt sundae, I think my kids find this part of the night their favorite as well.  I feel horrible even confessing this!  What parent doesn't like reading, snuggling, praying, and wrapping up the day with their kids? 
7.  After a few years in a row where I have thrown birthday parties for both kids in which I created cute invites, had themed decor, great crafts, and basically killed myself put a lot of effort towards making a special day for my kids, I am so excited about The Girls birthday party this year.  I am showing up, allowing someone else to run the show, packing up the gifts and my kids, writing a check, and going home.  THRILLED!  Even better: I don't have even an ounce of "Mommy Guilt" over this one.
8.  I just realized that I forgot all about goody bags for The Girl's party.  Dern. 
9.  I am seriously considering not having any goody bags.
10.  Even though The Hubs travels quite a bit for his job, there are times when I still get scared out of my mind about him going.   I literally have to be on my knees in prayer about it for days before hand, and for the time he is gone.  I feel like a baby about this.
11.  I have "control issues".  If I feel like I am out of control in one area of my life, I will transfer control to another area.  Totally praying through this "issue" this year.
12.  I'm neither a night owl or a morning person.  I like to think I hit my stride mid-day.  I am so thankful that I married someone who does not require as much sleep as I do. 
13.  The Hubs gets up with the kids everyday.  He gets them breakfast and makes sure they are getting ready for school.   I feel guilty about this.
14. I have work I should be doing, but I'm here instead. 
15.  I feel like we (The Hubs and I) are on the brink of some really big changes in our lives.  I can't quite put my finger on it, but through prayers, circumstances that we are enduring, and some pretty big shifts in our hearts recently, change is on the horizon.  I am terrified and excited all at the same time.  Sometimes I feel like it will happen any day now, and other times I feel like it could be a few years out yet.   We are praying for clarity and courage, and would love any prayers you may have to offer.

Ahhhh.  Confession feels good sometimes.

There Isn't a Bow Big Enough to Tie This Post Together

So, you might have guessed, but my New Year's resolution list didn't include blogging more.  Good thing!  I have already gotten a big fat "F" on that!

In all seriousness, I have absolutely enjoyed this Christmas break with the kids.  We have had a great time together, and I have had a wonderful break from all things "regularly scheduled".   Truth be told, I would take another week in a heart beat!

Since Christmas we have had a couple of jammie days, a play date, caught up with some chores, watched a ton of movies, gone bowling,  celebrated my dad and The girl's birthday (with my side of the family), and ushered in the New Year with friends and family.

Sadly, tomorrow we are back into reality in a rough way.  I don't think my calendar could possibly hold one more "event".   I keep reminding myself that we are halfway there (to the end of the school year).

Speaking of "Events" tomorrow's main event: The Girl's EIGHTH birthday! Can you believe it?  I can't, and I was the one who gave birth to her.  Sweet mercy.

Thankfully, she has been so kind to me and has allowed for me to postpone throwing her a party until the end of the month.  Here's to hoping I can use the time wisely and pull it all together.

Since we are on the subject of The Girl, I thought I would share a little conversation she had with The Little Man today while they waited with me at the Chiropractic office.  For some reason, while I lay on the heated roller (like a heated massage table) they usually like to hide in the corner and scare the doctor when she comes in to get me.  Thankfully, our doctor is also a mom, is totally easy going, and completely loves children.

p: Sister, are you going to come over and hide with me? I think she is almost coming!
d: No, bro.  I am going to sit right here.  I don't like hiding anymore.
p: What?  Why?
d: Because, bro, hiding is for babies.  I don't know....I just think it's baby-ish.  I guess I've grown out of it now that I'm turning eight tomorrow.
p: huh?
me: Come on.  Just play with your brother.  It's OK to play with him.
d: No.  I don't want to.
p: Why not?
d: Because it was just a phase I went through for a time, and now I am all grown out of it.  I'm sorry, but you're still in the middle of that phase, and I'm all done with it.
p: Huh?
d: Young kids go through phases.  It's just what they do.  Now I'm eight, and I am all done with that phase.

Since I was almost choking trying to stifle my laughter, I didn't end up convincing her to hide with her brother.

And in absolutely no connection with what is being talked about, I would like to discuss New Year's Resolutions.  Do you make them?  Do you keep them?

For me it's more like goals.  I don't care when they are accomplished, but I do have in my heart what I would like to see happen in the next year.   I don't know how to really describe it, but I am not all about "No sugar" or "Exercise 5x a week" or "Read 15 books" or "Blog everyday".  It's more like I have a desire to see growth in my life or faith walk.  Not that those other types of resolutions are things I scoff at, just that I know for a fact that I will not keep a single resolution.  I can't.

OK.  I probably could, but the pressure!  Oh, the pressure is too much!

So, I do have one thing I will be working on this year, that I will share, and will probably share throughout the year (that's at least my hope...if the pressure doesn't kill me first).  I am going to work really hard at scripture memorization.  This is something I am really bad at.  Seriously.  As I walk through this life, and in it's valleys and peaks, I would just really love to have God's word imprinted in my heart. 

(See, right now, I know that there are TONS of scripture that talk about how important it is and how beneficial it is to have God's work tucked away in your heart, but guess what?  Can't recall them exactly or know their references.  Point made)

So I am going for 12 new scriptures written on my heart this year.  Once a month, I'll have a new one to work on and work through. I am hoping each one will meet me where I am at, and as I review them at the end of the year, it will be kind of like a review of my year.

Right now, I am going through a time in which I am pretty anxious.  There are many things that worry me, and a few that will actually keep me up at night or cause slight panic during the day.  As I have prayed through this, the Holy Spirit has been merciful enough to show me that I have a control problem.  The need to control is rooted, for me, out of lack of trust.  It gets pretty messy at times.  So here is January's memory verse (although, I know there are plenty of scripture that talk about trusting and worry, I am going with this one this month and we'll see where February takes me.).

⁶ "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  ⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
Philippians 4:6-8


WHEW!

That's a big one!

That's OK. Truth be told, I am kind of cheating on this first go 'round.  I had this verse a few years ago in a study, and was supposed to memorize it then.   Didn't work out so well.

It will now though!

I even have a cute little spiral bound note cards so I can take my verses everywhere and work on them whenever I have a couple of minutes. 

I can hardly wait to see what scripture God has waiting for me this year.

So...Tomorrow's Christmas...

I'm having a little bit of a hard time accepting the fact that tomorrow is Christmas.  CHRISTMAS!  I know it is totally cliche to say, but this year zoomed right on past me.  I can honestly say, I have no idea where time went!  Also, because there has been but only the slightest bit of snow this season, well, it just doesn't feel very Christmas-y around these parts.  I know, I know.  You would think I would be happy with the whole no snow thing, and for the most part I am.  Except it doesn't feel like Christmas at all.  Heck, it barely feels like November let alone December.

So this morning, I decided it might be fun to go and re-read some of my past posts on Christmas.  I figured it would be fun to relive some old memories, see some old pictures,  and in general, try to get in the mood. 

It did help.  Sort of.

Then I started surfing around the web browsing some of my favorite blogs.  And I came upon this post, by a lady I have never met, but boy, I think I would really love to.

Anyway. Go.  Read it. 

I bawled.

Then I read it again.

And I cried some more.

I'm not sure that I'm in any more of a "Christmas mood", but I have been given a good dose of perspective. 

Just Us

Is it bad that all this global warming stuff is making me so happy?  Seriously, this week has been GORGEOUS.  I can handle this kind of weather for a few more weeks, ok maybe even months, well alright, let's do this until June.  Clear bright blue skies, bright sunshine, trees of all shades and colors, temps in the low 70's.  This is the type of Fall a girl could love.  Oh, and to top it all off, we are all on Fall Break!  I know I don't need to tell you how happy that makes me.  Fall Break is more for me than it is for the kids.  No lunches, no homework, no snacks and water bottles, no bed times, and no real important schedules to keep.  All good things.

Today we enjoyed a small amount of time visiting a local museum.  Usually, I try to plan for these types of outings with friends or family.  I guess I feel like that makes everything so much more special.  And it does.  Today, however, we had a last minute cancellation.  The Little Man was suppose to have a friend and his mommy join us. 

His mommy went into labor instead. 

I thought that was a good reason to back out of a day at the museum.

So, instead of bailing out on our plans, I took the kids anyway.  And it was just us.

It was wonderful.

I forgot what it was like to go to a museum and have them all to myself.  No friends to have to share with.  No other grown-ups to try to catch up with.  Just us.  Hanging out.  Doing things.  Learning things. Chatting. Having a good time.  I am particularly thankful for a moment in time, right there in the museum, that God stopped me right in my tracks and let me really soak in the moment. 

It is an awesome feeling to be able to stop and say to yourself, "Wow, we are really having a good time!" It's a little different than saying, "Yes, we had a good time today." or "Remember that day? It was a good time."  No, the first statement notices what is going on right in the moment.  The first statement shows that the person stopped and took notice right as it was happening and then lingered.  Maybe even took in a deeper breath and then purposely took in the surroundings, feelings, smells, and emotions so they could be tucked away in their memory for later.

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Program...Hopefully...

I am missing this place.  This place where I remember and record the everyday.  This place where I change my perspective on the often times mundane little details of my life as a mommy, and make them special.   This place where it's mostly about them, and only sometimes about me. 

I don't know if I have shared this before, but each year I turn this blog into a bound book as a gift to not only myself (hopefully, my children will read it one day), but also my mom and mother-in-law.  This past weekend, while spending time at my mom's house, I had some time to sit back and read my own blog.  As I perused through the first year my blog was around, I was taken back by all the details I took time to write down.  I think I hardly missed a day! While it may not have been overly exciting information to the rest of the world, I loved reliving those days I can't hardly even remember now.  I totally forgot about all The Little Man's little antics while he potty trained.  I forgot how I thought we would be in Potty Training World forever (although, admittedly, sometimes I think we visit a neighborhood fairly close by).  There were also many cute one-liners The Girl threw around that I thought I would never forget.  Guess what only three short years will do to you? 

I guess I could go on and on as I walk down memory lane with you all, the point being: I miss this place, I miss recording our lives more regularly, I miss making this a priority, and in the meantime, I am missing out on a future opportunities to sit back and recollect what my grandmother calls "The Golden Years".

Here's the kicker: I wish that this meant I would be promising to be here more.  However, I know that I would probably break that promise.  I am going to say that I am going to TRY to be here more.  I can't say that the quality will be all that great, not that it has up to this point anyway, but I do want to get down the details.  The small things I think I will remember, but don't.  If it's well written, well that will be the icing on the cake.  Otherwise, I will be fine with just merely record keeping.

With that, here's my favorite quote from this weekend taken from The Little Man after his daddy helped him in the shower.  We have been working on teaching him how to shower  by himself lately.  I can hardly wait for the day when I can say, "Son, go hop in the shower, " and he does.  And he comes out clean.  And I can trust that he got all the soap rinsed out of all the parts where soap shouldn't stay.  After he and his daddy finished up in the shower, The Little Man was in for some bonus lessons:

p: Mommy!  Guess what! 
me: What, buddy?
p: Daddy was teaching me how to take a shower!
me: I know bud.  Are you getting any better?
p: Yup!  I got so good that when I got done Daddy gave me some lotion lessons too!

Clean and moisturized.  Just the way I like 'em.

Workin' On My Heart

Before I get started on the serious stuff *ahem* I do have two Little Man stories that I must share, mostly for my own documenting self's sake.  First, The Little Man will never eat fish again in his whole life if I have anything to do about it.  After whining and grumbling his way through some fish tacos for dinner the other night, he had what we think was an allergic reaction to the fish.  Either that or kids sometimes spontaneously turn into shooting geysers in order to scare the tar out of their mothers.

*Shudder*

On another, much more funny note, The Little Man brought home a worksheet that he had filled out after working some experiments at school that taught buoyancy.  According to his sheet, the kiwi and the grape did not float.  So, I asked him about it:

me:  Wow, Buddy!  Did you do a Science project today with fruit?
p: Yup, we had to see which ones would float and which ones sunk.
me: So it looks like the grape didn't float.  How come?  Why did the grape sink?
p: I don't know.  It just did.
me: You don't know?  It just sunk?  Why do you think that it couldn't float?
p: I guess it was just a baby grape and hadn't taken it's swimming lessons yet.

Awesome.

Now, I will attempt to be serious.


This verse has smacked me upside the head with a two by four.  "Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else.  For we are each responsible for our own conduct."- Galatians 6:4-5 NLT.  

Ouch.

I can't stop thinking about it.  I think some might call this "Being convicted".  I'm just going to say that this may or may not be something I need to work on.  I am pondering just how often I am satisfied with knowing that I have done the best job that I can do, or knowing that I am working my hardest, and finding satisfaction in that versus working hard so that I can find satisfaction in knowing that I have done something better than someone else. 

Gulp.

That whole being competitive/comparative and seeking out the approval of others thing, yea, it trips me up.

Lastly, while it was one of the most wonderful summers I can recall in a very long time, there were also some trials that were endured.  Since the trial itself did not involve me directly, I won't be divulging specific details, but here are a few things that I have learned:

1. Family.  It's so nice to be so tightly bound to people who love you and support you. People who hurt when you hurt, and will laugh or get mad when you think something is funny or you get angry.  People who will listen to you talk about the same thing over and over and not care.  People who are fine with hearing the story/your feelings/your thoughts several times, and it never gets old.

2.  Sometimes (most of the time) the biggest amount of growth a person can have is when they are suffering/struggling.  While we work through hurts, struggle through raw emotions, and deal with devastation we grow and learn.  I don't know many people (myself included) who have said "Wow, you know, I think I have really grown today and learned something new about myself and what I can endure while I skipped through the daisies!"  It just doesn't happen.  But when we struggle, lean on others, and turn our hurts and devastation over to the one true, holy, and righteous God; He works us, forms us, and if we let Him, He rebuilds us into something new.

3.  Watching someone change who they are and seek out God with all their heart is beautiful.

4. Even if it isn't you who is directly in the fire, you can still learn and grow.

5.  God's plans are bigger than ours.  What He has set out to do no human can undo.  He is sovereign and perfect in His timing, and while we are surprised daily, or taken off guard,  He is never surprised.  He knows the beginning and the ending, and is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

6. Loving, seeking, and serving Him with all my heart is the most important thing in my life.  While that doesn't mean I will never endure hardships, it does mean that I will never be alone.  It also means that I can trust that whenever I am in a season of refinement, I can trust that He is watching over me and holding me close,  and prayerfully He is rebuilding me into someone more like Him.

Somehow It's Now Mid-Month

I'm not even sure how this has happened!  The last two weeks have been a whirl wind of activities.  First, we did one last Summer hurrah and packed up the fam for a road trip to visit family in the mid-west, and then upon returning home, it became obvious that the inevitable was drawing near.

School is starting up again.

Like tomorrow.


*sigh*


Because I have been dreading this day since the first day of summer break, I had done nothing to prepare for the arrival of the first day of school.  The paperwork, school supplies, doctor's signatures, meet the teacher nights, and the list goes on and on. 

And HELLO! Since it's the last week of break, NO ONE wants to waste their time doing all that nonsense stuff when you can hang out with friends and hit the pool instead.

I am in a bad place with the whole return of school thing.

If you couldn't tell.

I did try my best to establish some sort of bed time routine so the shock of 6:30 am doesn't kill anyone tomorrow.  However, it's still gonna sting.  I am so thankful, though, that The Girl ordered lunches for the first two days back in the saddle.  It's just one less thing I have to do while still getting my bearings in the early morning.  The Little Man, however? Well.  He has to bring both a lunch AND a snack.  So, I guess that will make up where The Girl left off.

Here's the deal.  In reality, it really isn't going to be THAT bad.   It's just the idea that the most perfect summer is coming to an end that makes me want to consider jumping off the deep end (I KID!).  The kids will love school, the weather is still going to be nice for just a bit longer, I will actually enjoy getting back into somewhat of a routine (OK, I'll probably love it.)  (Way too much.), and come May, I'll be saying (once more) how I can't believe how quickly it all went by.

For know, though, I can hardly wait for Summer Break.

(Yes, I will update with va-cay pics soon).

Let Me Count the Ways

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before, but I'll say it again: This summer has been perfect.  Here's all the ways I have fallen in love with Summer 2010:

1.  The Weather.  Yes, it's been hot.  IT'S SUMMER!  Honestly, something I can't get over (or what some would call a pet peeve) is when someone complains (namely a weather person on the news) about weather that is totally typical of the season we are in.  It's July, it should be hot.  The sun should be shining A LOT.  In January, it should be ice cold.  The End.

This summer has been quite perfect weather wise.  We have had long stretches of warm/hot days, and then just when we think we might not be able to take it anymore, and this hot weather lovin' gal is just about to say, "DANG!  It's down right hot out here!" we get a reprieve.  A day of clouds and sprinkles.  Maybe a day of just plain rain.  Then, we ramp right back up to where we should be temp wise for the summer.  We've had a few of these cycles, and I love it.  I would say it's perfect.  It has given us a chance to catch up on some movies, TV shows, book reading, *ehem* blogging, etc.  As it warms back up again, we head back out and enjoy the gorgeousness that is summer.

And we are all well rested and ready to take it on.

2.  My kids.  I know I have said this too, but they are in a honeymoon phase that just gets sweeter each day.  I cannot get enough of my kids lovin' on one another and being BFF's 4 eva.  I don't know what is different about this summer versus other times in the past year, but I have a feeling, that like all good things, it will come to an end.  I am also quite certain that the beginning of school will bring this end. 

Sad.

3.  Bible Study.  I decided at the beginning of the summer it would be a good idea to do a Bible study with the kids each morning.  That quickly turned into about once or twice a week.  Even so, it has been fun.  As I go through the verses that we have covered this summer I smile.  How can you not be happy with, "In every way be an example of doing good deeds." -Titus 2:7, or "He will teach us of his ways, and we will walk in his paths."- Isaiah 2:3.

Good stuff.

And it looks even better in my kids' own handwriting.

4. Flip Flops.  They are my favorite kind of shoes.  I got three new pairs this year, and each one I love way too much.  These here I have in two colors, black and hot pink/magenta.  Lovely.  The arch support and squishy-ness is perfect.  Many days I put them on when I wake up and don't take them off again until I go to bed because I simply forget I have them on.

These one's right here have a nickname: Happiness.  Two reasons: 1) I bought them in Hawaii, and really is there much more to say about that?  2) When you put these babies on, if feet could smile, they would.  They are made out of recycled yoga mats.  Squishy doesn't even begin to describe these little gifts from Heaven.  They are DEVINE. 

Little happy pillows for your feet.

5.  Ice cream,  ice pops,  root beer floats, milk shakes, and malts. 

Enough said.

6.  While we are talking about food, the garden is doing pretty well.  I only say pretty well because I was hoping for the peppers to do better, as in years past.  Especially with all the warm sun we've had this summer.  I can't figure it out.  Despite the peppers, we have eaten out of our garden already, and will be having round two off our snap pea plants this week.  Yum.

7.  I have successfully kept my hanging pots of flowers alive this year.

8.  Somehow I am enjoying this summer without having to be at the pool everyday.  Since the ol' skin cancer incident, I am trying really hard to be good to my skin.  While we do enjoy a day at the pool about once a week, I am at peace with not needing to be there every day.  It feels good to do other things.  I feel like we have been able to enjoy many other activities this summer because we (I) haven't been so obsessed with hitting the pool. 

There is life beyond those pool gates.

9.  Not having a full calendar.  It has been great not having something to do every. single. day.  Yes, we have had weeks where I was wondering when I would catch my breath, but there have also been a handful of weeks like this one, where  I have ONE THING written down for the next seven days.  *Take a deep breath...aaahhh....exhale*

10.  We have not watched one Dora, Diego, Backyardigans, or Wonder Pets episode ALL SUMMER.  Before you start sweating profusely at the thought that we have given up TV, take a deep breath, we just switched channels.  We are now big fans of PBS.  There are all sorts of new shows there.  Also, besides being new (at least to my kids), they are also more age appropriate, which means that they engage my kids for *ahem* the time I need.  Lastly, there are no commercials.  Good stuff.

Strangely enough, this has made my summer better.  I had no idea how much I was starting to not like the old shows.  This switch up has been down right refreshing.  Also, just recently, they added PBS Kids Go! to our On Demand selections.  That means we can watch our favorite PBS kids shows anytime.

Sweet.


So for those of you who are counting down the days until school starts, and have the feeling that they should share this type of info with me, STEER CLEAR.

I don't want to know.