It's 1999. I'm in my early 20's, and I'm finishing up my first year of teaching my own class. And if I'm honest, I'm somehow trying to meld my need to dress grunge with a more professional look. As you might guess, I'm failing miserably. I taught a group of third graders who hated me. I'm serious. On my very first day, one parent pulled me aside and confidently told me with a hushed yet firm tone, "I can tell you right now, you and I are not going to get along. " She wanted to make sure there was not going to be any confusion. And there wasn't. The. Whole. Year.
I counted down the days until that school year was over. I vowed never to return to that school district, and I doubted I would ever return to the classroom. Well not a classroom with small children, who had hateful parents, anyway.
It's 2001. The month previous we all watched in horror as terrorists attacked our country. A month later I sat in my supervisors office, and learned that I was being laid off. Companies no longer had the money to use our services, which trained adults in computer application programs. I had returned to the classroom, but I was teaching adults. My love for teaching, reignited. As the economy started a downward spiral, I was left without a job, but with the desire to teach again. However, I was still determined to not teach young children.
It's 2002. The school year had come to an end, and I never counted down to the last day, not even once. I really enjoyed working with these high school kids. They were eager to learn the elective courses they had chosen in technology and design. The lessons were fun, the days went quickly and I really liked my job.
And then I found out I was expecting The Girl. That changed everything.
After she was born, I decided I was going to be 100 percent dedicated to being a mom. I had decided that to go back to the classroom again would be too difficult. That I could not be 100 percent mom and 100 percent teacher. I never have been good with sharing my devotion. Call it an inability to multitask, if you will. So with my heart focused on family, my desire to teach again expired, along with my teaching license.
It's 2011. Both of my kids are in school. The Little Man is a kindergartner and The Girl is a third grader. Suddenly, I have a bit more time on my hands, and The Hubs's recent illness has opened my eyes to the fact that I may need to return to the workforce after a nine year absence. After years of saying I would never teach again, suddenly I have the desire to teach again. As a substitute teacher, no less. I didn't want the responsibility of my own class again. I wanted flexibility. I wanted to not commit myself to a classroom full of young children again. It worked out pretty well. And that really freaked me out.
In a good way.
It's 2013. I've come to enjoy being in the classroom again. Even when it's with small children...and their parents. I still feel pretty confident that I do not want my own classroom. The kids' school has these positions called "Reading Tutors". This job allows the tutor to teach reading to small groups of children. You don't have your own class. No parents, no report cards, no grading. Just teaching. It sounds pretty perfect to me. I've been watching for these jobs to post, thinking if one does, and the timing seems right, then I'll apply. I'm still waiting. In the meantime, a part-time Kindergarten position opens up. Somehow, I'm drawn to it. After a week of praying about it, all the things that I never wanted to return to again, seem pretty manageable. After enough time has passed for me to completely forget that this job exists, I can't stop thinking about it. So, today I applied.
What. Have. I. Done?
I realize that by applying for this job does not mean I will get this job. Actually, I am very aware of how unqualified I am for this position. But as I try to flex my faith muscles more this year, I can't deny that a desire and opportunity have been placed before me. So I took the first step. I don't know where it will lead, but I trust that God will not let this step go wasted. He has something to show me, no matter how this turns out. So, I hold this opportunity with open hands. No tight grip on either outcome.
I have no doubt that He has been at work in my heart, and he is shaping my desires for my life to match His. No matter how different they were before now. Because He is good. Because He loves me. Because He knows the plans He has for me. Instead of forcing His ways upon me, He gently changes my heart to match His. And then He presents opportunities and open doors. It's my choice to move forward or to stay behind.
Today, I stepped forward.
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