Derailed Plans

I had a plan.  It seemed pretty solid, logical, and I even felt as though I had received several confirmations through other people/events, prayer, the Word, and peace in my heart.  I mean things just kept falling into place where I thought for sure they wouldn't.  Doors seemed to fly right open with barely a knock. 

The funny thing was, this plan, it was totally not me.  Like if you were to have told me only a few years ago about this plan that I had, I would have laughed and said no way.  I may have even gotten a little angry because of how staunchly against some of the ideas of this plan I was.  But that's what was making things so exciting!  I couldn't believe God would change my heart in such a way that I was now embracing something that I would have rejected years earlier.

All summer I embraced this plan.  I got ready for how this new plan would impact our family as well as myself.  I was getting excited for everything to come together and to be able share an awesome story about how God had brought me to this new place in my life.  I may have even written a blog post in my head about it.  Maybe.

Then, out of no where, the plan became completely derailed.  I mean, the door wasn't just shut, it was slammed.  Hard.  In my face.  My fingers even got caught.  I was totally caught off guard and crushed.  Even worse, I was embarrassed.  I hate it when you can't tell if you are crying because you hurt or because you are embarrassed you got hurt in the first place.   Crying over embarrassment takes so much longer to get over.

So here I am, a few weeks later, blue bruises have turned that funny yellowish green, and I feel like I'm on track for a full recovery.   I won't lie and say that I've sat quietly and waited to heal.  No, there were some ugly moments for sure.  I had some tough spots in my heart that I had to work out.  Anger, defensiveness, self-pity, and revenge just to name a few.  The thing was, my train was derailed by someone else, purposefully.

I sat before the Lord (and continue to do so as my wounds are still scabby as we speak) and asked Him, "What in the world was THAT?"  I couldn't understand what I did to deserve what happened.  I didn't understand why it had to go down the way it did, so painfully.  I was certain, I was following exactly where the Lord was leading me, each step in faith and obedience.  So why this painful derailment?

In the days that followed He was gentle to show me a few things.  First, His plans will never be thwarted.   Ever.  They are always for my best, and better than anything I could ever hope or even pray for.  There are just some things that I can't and won't understand until later.  Maybe not even on this side of eternity.  He never says "No" out of a mean spirit.  He can't be mean.  He is good.   He does good things.  It's impossible for anything bad to come from Him. 

He also gently reminded me of Abraham marching his only son, Issac, up the mountain to sacrifice him.  God had told him to do that.  He gave specific directions, and made a way for it to happen.  But!  Then at the very last moment, God changed the plan on Abraham.  (Not to be confused with God changing His mind, God knew all along that this was how it would go.)   Right before the blade touched Issac's skin, an angel of the Lord calls out to him and tells him to stop.  Imagine if Abraham just continued to march forward saying, "No, God!  This isn't the directions you first gave me.  You gave me clear instructions and even changed my heart to agree with you, so I'm moving forward."  That would've been crazy, right?  Probably about as crazy as it would have been for me to force my way back into a plan that was so decisively changed.

But why the hurt?  Couldn't the doors closed a little more gently, and maybe without my fingers in them?  I mean, I felt like I was obediently walking in faith, which, by-the-way, isn't something I'm very good at.  Then, I read about Joseph, Mary, and their newest addition to the family, Jesus.  Mary and Joseph were certainly obedient to God when, by faith, they accepted that Mary would conceive as a virgin.   And Joseph? He married her because he trusted what the angel of the Lord told him about who this baby was and how he was conceived.  He didn't waiver once he had clear instructions.  Yet, here this young couple was, delivering their child in a feed trough, and on the run under threat that the king was out to kill their child.  Not once, but twice!  I can't imagine how difficult that would have been.  Painful at times, I'm sure.  However, each painful experience led to the fulfillment of ancient prophesy, which spoke of God's perfect plan. 

A plan that would not be thwarted. 

There are days when I still feel like I am licking my wounds.  I'm not sure when they will heal completely, but I'm sure that they will.  I know that God has a perfect plan for my life, and it will not be thwarted.  Even the painful stuff, while not fun, has a purpose.  In the end, I trust I will look back at my life and say, "I wouldn't have done it any other way.  Your way was the best."  I trust that this time is growing and equipping me for something farther down the line.  So, I will continue to pray, not only to be comforted and healed, but to grow and be ready for His sovereign plan.  Whatever it may be.